January 14, 2011 § Leave a comment
If you’ve been keeping up with my blog at all, you might have noticed a pattern in my last years wants… somehow I had found myself in a strange, unknown to me world of utter independence and somewhat of an emotionless existence. Maybe in fact this was due to the disappearance of my long lost friend who is finally back, or simply a path of self preservation… But what is blatantly clear now, is that
a) you should really be careful about what you wish for and
b) i might have gotten really good at being on my own (finally), but this does not indeed mean that I’ve learned anything about being with others.
I think you could say, I am a strong believer in balance too – but just cause I believe in it doesn’t mean I’m any good at it.
The biggest issue I’ve had in my relationships so far is finding a good balance between being independent and enjoying a co-dependent existence. When you’re young I think, relationships come much easier. Because, lets face it, you don’t quite know who you are yet so the idea of balance between anything is pure nonsense… Identifying is what you’re doing at that point and what could be more fun than Identifying yourself with someone else, and even more importantly with the feelings you have for them. Once you actually know a bit about yourself and what you’re attempting to do in life, balancing that with stumbling into a new person you might like is actually quite difficult… ok, so enough code. Here’s the update:
There are moments here and there where I really like him. Like he’ll say something or do something and I am putty…. And then others, when if I could just get up and walk away at that exact moment when it just hits me (This is NOT for you!) , I would. But then of course, another hour passes and whatever it is that seemed so definite before, becomes a bit muddy again… and so it goes, the beginnings of that thing I’ve so diligently been avoiding, up until now. …Ah, I kinda remember this.
Still, I really want things to be black and white and will try to make a more coherent decision about our future relations in the next few days, …week…s… TOPS.
Ok, the truth is I sort of kind of already tried to break things off… but like I said, I’m terrible at it. And in fact, when a guy knows how to show their true colors when they’re being told they’re not really liked as much as they thought they were… all of a sudden, I melt… and become ones of those really lame people that can’t make up their minds. ‘… yeah, i guess you could still stay…’
Sometimes I think I do it in hopes of the other person getting fed up and pulling the trigger… then at least I get to feel all sensitive and hurt and not at all to blame. This brings us to yet another new years resolution to add to the list… Become more decisive. Doesn’t matter what you choose. just fuckn CHOOSE. (but actually this probably goes ENTIRELY against what it means to develop a relationship and feelings for someone over time… so, maybe I need to work on the idea that any sort of choice is involved… are we going with our head or our heart here, dear? …damn it).
No matter how much I want to fight it, I am petrified of another few years of my life being devote to someone… someone else other than me, that is.
In talking with others, I’ve been reminded of the difference between someone who has spent their entire life looking for a serious relationship and someone like me who keeps getting burned by them. Somehow getting involved with someone even on the most superficial level carries with it a sort of warped assumption on my part that they’re here to stay (Only warped of course, in so much that for most people that in fact IS the goal… not so much for me … i seem to be under the strange misconception that a successful relationship is that which is fun, easy, short and temporary…um, where on earth did I get that notion?!). Maybe it’s my inexperience with break ups… historically, I’ve been crap at them and I can’t even remember the last time I was actually dumped. Honestly, you’d have to be pretty emotionally open to be blindsided by that kind of news and… I’m just not that kind of girl. There’s probably something wrong with that too…
But anyway, what’s proving to be awesomely true about Belgium is that it’s literally presented me, one after another, with all of my so-called life issues – finally, giving me a chance to come to terms with them all. The russian thing for example has been amazing… I have never felt more culturally healthy and at ease with who I am – as I’ve learned to be here – I couldn’t be more thankful for the opportunty to come to terms with that baggage… I am literally in love with my new found appreciate for my cultural background, for my ability to speak another language, for my appreciation of many worlds… for my Russianess and my Americaness. How lucky that I am both and neither, at the same time. And it only took 4 months and 10 days…
Perhaps now, Belgium will teach me more about relationships… how to love… or how not to love… to selfishly break up or or get hurt to bits. In the next year or so, how lovely would it be to wake up one day and actually be ready for the One.
But before that can happen, I might have to grow up a little…
For now, I don’t mind stumbling into love , but when it comes to the One, I’d like to actually go out and find him. A sincere apology to anyone I happen to come across until then… (of course, the devils advocate in me screams, that’s your problem right there!!! 🙂 )
January 4, 2011 § 1 Comment
*Note: I’ve never been one to keep a journal, although I’ve always wanted to… many many times throughout my life I had made the effort to start, but was never really able to keep it going. Lately it seems that my post have been more sparse, but what I’ve found is that somehow while living in this ‘far from myself’ world, so to speak, there’s been nothing more helpful than writing things down. Sometimes, I even go back and re-read my gibberish, just to mentally keep track of my own evolution. The purpose of this post I think will be to find some sort of answer, record some of my thought process… ask better questions and ultimately keep the storyline going. Because, lets face it, what fun would it be to read a novel without the good parts. Family, please proceed with caution… 🙂
As you’ve probably gathered before, my whole life, it would seem, I’ve been running from something… from being American, from being Russian, or just simply being … running towards being loved, away from being loved, …sprinting across continents, hobbies, devotions, careers … running in place, running from standing still and finally running from running. Very few times in my life it would seem I have been able to stay steady and grounded and truly appreciate it for what it is… and the times I do recall of such contempt… are ironically fleeting.
This time, it was 4AM and I found myself running for the door… and another new years resolution was born. stop running.
If I have to start from the beginning, I’ll have to start with his chin… there’s something so sculpturesque about it, that literally no chin could compare. Not even one that came straight out of the mold of a wax museum. It’s rough edges – so masculine in their shape… and a divot that separates his lower lip in half, that seduces …wildly. ….and the coarse stubble that accents his jaw line with a dark shadow, leaves me …raw.
His eyes need only glance to render me powerless – a translucent sort of ice colored glare, somewhat cold and distant in reality, but stunningly piercing… yet there is a sweetness behind them that pleads with kindness… like they belong to a warm soul that… if only you had a key for… and the bald thing it turns out is really of no consequence at all. … and if anything may be god’s gift to women for easily identifying masculinity at its best. The rest of course will still have to be figured out via trial and error, like the rest of the world.
There’s a ton already I don’t like and a ton more I do… there are ways in which he seems perfect and many in which he is blatantly not. But like the crazy fool that I am, I have slammed the breaks on this less than week-long ride more times than even makes any kind of logical sense and have managed to flee from the scene down darkened alleys just a few hours short of dawn more than I care to admit… anything it would seem to avoid god forbid stumbling into my own feelings …or ‘gasp’ …something real.
The one time I made the mistake of letting him sleep at my place, I was wide awake all night. My brain I think really needed to think of the world according to yesteryear and was in no way ready to handle awakening in someones arms. I was seconds away from escaping out my own window. True story.
Next I slammed on even more breaks and said we’d play it by ear… then i ran for the door again. Today I stayed home for fear of finding more things to run from. I really needed the time to think…
…am I fearful of coming or going… giving or taking… loving or leaving… or being left…
by the end of the day, few answers came to me. Until that is I spoke to wise Oxi who pointed out a wonderful thing about the difference between her and I.
‘I’, she says, ‘am too egotistical when it comes to love… I love for me, so when it stops being for me it becomes time to stop loving.’
‘You’, she says, ‘might not have to fear loving as much if you just keep track of the benefit it brings you and bail only when it brings none’
Somehow, I liked the idea of not needing breaks, if you always have the option of stopping this freight train… What a novel idea!… I think sometimes I forget that there’s no lease attached to my trysts… no bills to split upon parting, no cats to share, furniture to sort, rings to give away and always a place to call my own. I really don’t need to slam on all these breaks if there’s always an actual stop sign in sight.
Somehow I found this thought empowering… I picked up the phone and for the first time this week made an actual effort… ‘hi cutie 🙂 just txting to say sweet dreams’.
…and there you go, I’m in Europe and I’ve stumbled on a lil tryst.
December 29, 2010 § Leave a comment
With the new year swiftly approaching, I’ve awaken for the past few days with one thing and only one thing on my mind… what are my new years resolutions?
Somewhat of the total dork that I am, I’ve been jotting down notes for this very day for the entire year… the last big attempt of which was made while I was waiting for N at the airport a few months ago in Brussels. I was sitting there watching all these people – happy and sad, coming and going – and for whatever reason was stuck with an epiphany for what I want out of life. I had no paper at the time, so I jotted it down on the back of my expired train ticket and stuffed it in my wallet – unread. I wanted the ideas to ferment a bit, so I made sure not to read until just a few days ago, and now that I’ve read it over again … it’s all that i can think about. literally.
I won’t give you the details of what it actually says, as I am a firm believer in jinxing things. But, I have to say it’s pretty spot on and is only missing a a few key ingredients for a good year, one of which I’ve decided could be the only thing on the list and would already make for an accomplished feat. It’s something that seems to be broken inside me and must be fixed like NOW. …Stop making lists!
… just kidding, I’m not quite ready for that one, but it would be nice if I could learn to focus a little less on the external world and get a bit more in touch with my own needs and feelings. Somehow through years and years of building walls upon walls to protect myself from move upon move upon move… and break-up upon break-up upon break-up … and other unspeakable things, some of which required a whole damn castle of emotional isolation, I’ve finally found myself looking down at the world from one of my many towers, Rapunzel style with this realization that this hair that I so desperately want to fetch me a prince from down there, is just not gonna cut it!
Enough with the metaphors, but actually I’m not even talking about a Prince. Really I’m just talking about learning to enjoy yourself, relax and know your own sense of happiness. Sometimes I think, I spend so much time and energy trying to figure the rest of this crazy world out… worried mostly about their feelings, their being, their context… that more often than not, I completely forget about my own. It’s soooo time to stop this little watching routine of mine and make a real effort to participate.
This year, I vow to focus on breaking down these walls, venturing outside and just living. But, I have to say that keeping this blog has been somewhat of an amazing experience from which I’ve managed to learn quite a bit about myself… as I’m sure you have as well … sorry. 🙂 But, I appreciate all the encouragement to keep writing and look forward to taking you all on many interesting new journeys in the coming year. ❤
October 20, 2010 § 3 Comments
I have a terrible habit of watching the world go by… I think if I didn’t have to participate in life and could just get away with observing things endlessly, I would find myself in the perfect world, according to me.
Lately, I’ve been taking a new route to class in the morning, and while it takes me approximately the same amount of time to get there, I absolutely adore the perspective it gives me. First I get to swing by the busy Zuid district and just check out the scene around the library, buses going ok … ‘hmm, I guess no strike today‘, ah and there’s the old cathedral tower peeking around the bend. The other day I saw a young guy fall off his bike and hit his face against a metal pole – ouch! But, whatever the day may bring, in the first 10 minutes of my stroll I get to see ‘life’. …after which there is nothing better than when I finally reach the tiny bridge, take the bright blue stairs down towards the water, and walk the rest of the way by the waters edge.
There’s usually no one there walking with me, although occasionally I’ll see a teacher or Ph.D. lookin’ fellow taking the back way along with me. And between the lightly autumn tinted trees, the calm water and the echoed beats of my own two feet – there just isn’t a better way to say, good morning.
Yesterday, I was not alone. In front of me, there was a mysterious girl walking in a medium length gray petticoat. She didn’t look particularly glamorous or even all that attractive but she did have my attention – along with her playfully bouncy dark blond hair. And all I could think to myself was what a pity it is that she will never know that in that moment – she owned that walk and had my full attention. She had a quiet yet humble but confident charm about her, she really did.
Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t anything weird on my part… I’m not lusting after any Belgian women quite yet, but I guess it made think about how out of touch we all are with the way the world really sees us. Sometimes we worry way too much about things that don’t ever cross anyone elses mind, and other times worry too little about things that do. How much simpler and better would life be, if for even a day we could all watch ourselves go by…
I mean, think about it, what it would be like to experience yourself through the lens of another person, wouldn’t that just be fascinating…? And, if logic and reason is of any indication, it is probably nothing like who we think we are.
I’m pretty sure mystery girl from the other day doesn’t even know that her hair can bounce like that… does yours? does mine? Someone should tell her, it’s a crime she doesn’t know! This will save her years of beauty products and therapy, and stress and worry and concern for trying to be a better, smarter, more put together, approachalbe person… no one cares. I didn’t look at her and think, anything of how she felt, only how I felt around her and mostly really just about MY hair… and perhpas this is the curse of the human condition. We live in a world where we experience everything the way we know… not the way things are.
I realize what I’m writing is strange, but bare with me, I’m just trying to find the words for what seemed to come rather easily to me yesterday… and good lord, please don’t judge… but, watching this woman made me think about how silly and out of touch we really are with other peoples perceptions of us. I mean, if someone could guarantee to me that yes, in fact, there was a moment in time, in recent history where they were walking by me and had the bazaar thought to themselves that somehow my demeanor, and ease with which I walked to class gave them a new leash on life… ok, this sentence stops here.
Sometimes though, I think, I get so caught up in wanting to do things the right way, or the most successful way or at least feel the burn doing it, that I forget that ultimately all this hustle and bustle in life is done for the meer purpose of slowing down… of just being… comfortable, confident, paced, balanced, content and just accepting of life in its greater context… ya know, the gift of time (that’s all life really is) and the abitlity to find a million different ways to use and enjoy it… instead of a race, of course, which is often how I tend to lead mine.
So however crazy this post may sound, what I’m really trying to say is that sometimes it seems as though it’s easier to observe than to experience, because somehow from that point of view – their expeirences, whoevers they may be, become rather simple in their premise – they live to live, they love to love and they are who they are, without having or wanting or needing to change a thing.
I would like to become that person… i would like to watch myself go by and say, she lives to live, she loves to love and she is who she is, without having, or wanting or needing to change a thing. … and look at her bouncy hair!
October 9, 2010 § 4 Comments
Even though I thought that I had totally given myself permission to do nothing but work for the next year, somehow I did not account for days like this when I’m too lazy for it… and in those moments it seems, being neither at work, nor at play is rather depressing. Yesterday, I swore to myself I would work all day…. ugh, this did not happen. I didn’t have a bad day really, some lovely music to keep me company, a friend to chat with and the winding down from the week – bumming around that I’m so good at. Today however I was suppo0se to awaken with a new leash on life. A leash that lasted oh… all of an hour, after which I was back to being a bum. A lazy one, too …. too lazy even for a shower… or even to watch a movie that’s almost overdue from the library… that’s like REALLY lazy.
The real reason I think is that I just can’t seem to get comfortable. I know it’s been a while since I’ve complained about my back, but oy it just won’t stop hurting and is driving me nutts. There doesn’t seem to be a single position that makes it feel better…. not lying down, not sitting, not standing… sometimes walking helps, but only in that it takes my mind off the constant sensation that I’m on fire. In the last week or so it’s gotten even worse than before, but I think it might be my fault – I was iciing it and, while I haven’t looked this up to see if it’s even scientifically possible, I”m pretty sure I burnt myself with the icepack – it literally left a bruise on my ass that looks like Texas and has been sore ever since. …walking is not an option anyway – not when you’re lazy!… and certainly not when you’re pretending to be ABOUT TO study. bah.
I guess I’ll make an doc appointment on Monday – might as well take advantage of my crazy free insurance here.
And I know complaing about this isn’t going to do anything and certainly things could be much much worse, at least my clavicle is in tact … and who needs that other thing anyway (i only prayed for it to be gone my entire adult life)! but it’s been more than an year now since this all started and I just want it to stop… 😦
In other news, i got another txt from Tars the ball-dropping surgery guy, to thank me for getting him to quit smoking. The longer version of this story is that during our encounter I had told him of a book that my friend swears by as a be-all end-all solution to quitting smoking. So, after a few failed attempts at contacting me after our non-date, he had emailed me a request for the book pdf – this is when I took the opportunity to ask directly to be left alone and wish him luck with the book attachment.
I haven’t personally read the book, but the friend who recommended it was supposedly a chain smoker himself before and said that he couldn’t have done it without it. So, anyway… apparently it worked for Tars too. So for all you smokers out there who’ve tried everything, you might wanna consider trying this (*Ahem, you know who you are!). Assming of course that we can add Tars to the success list, I’m becoming more and more curious of the books content myself. I think I finally need to read it – it might give my constant referrals a bit more clout. Not everyone is as eager to please as nice Belgian stalker-boys. But anyway, no worries, I did not respond.
Been struggling with SAS today too… I can’t get this stupid simple thing to work and can’t figure out what I”m doing wrong…. GRRR.
That’s about it… Too bad blogs aren’t a two way street, it gets a bit boring being the only one posting. Any requests? A nice little Haiku perhaps? Sage Wisdom? Free Advice? Questions…? Comments? C’mon, give me something to work with here…
Maybe I’ll start an advice column instead, that seems a lot more interesting than rehashing my day for you anyway. C’mon, make it anonymous, post some question! I’ll do anything from how to quit your job during a recession to how not to end up getting stalked in Europe in your first week. I’ve made loads of mistakes (that there’s no reason for you to repeat), and can probably help with anything. And just cause I don’t always follow my own advice, doesn’t mean I don’t have tons of things I know I should be doing… and so should you! 🙂 Try me! Pleeeease….