January 5, 2011 § 2 Comments
I can only imagine that most women don’t come to appreciate this life long friend until it is too late to say a proper good bye and certainly not while there’s still time to restore the relationship while it’s still alive and kicking with some well deserved and proper respect.
For better or worse, I have been fortunate enough to learn this life lesson early and would like to share with all of you some of my most personal, deepest insights into what it’s like to have missed her so much…
When I was at the ripe old age of 10, I waited for her every day.
I had an older friend who had already made her acquaintance earlier that year and this only fueled my curiosity to meet her. I dreamt of our secret relationship, our monthly meetings, the meaning behind it all… I wanted so much to be accepted into that world, that looking back on it feels slightly bazaar at the very least. The mind of a child really is pure weirdness, isn’t it.
But alas, no matter how much I waited and wanted, she never came.
Eventually I got caught up in the rest of life and made peace with her absence. Until some idle tuesday that is, a few years later, when she finally arrived.
By then I was a little over the whole thing and the audacity of her late, and what’s worse, trivial hello, only made me mad she’d come at all. And this is how we started our journey together – thirteen year old me and her, a slight pain in the ass.
And then, after a bit of a clumsy fall during a bad-ass trip to an amazing place half way across the world which I could still never bring myself to ever regret, she was gone.
I’ve missed her like I can’t explain… it’s not just a matter of getting off the monthly train of routine or parting with your favorite underwear far too soon. Her absence was felt in the depth of my soul and what’s worse, was only felt as an absence of feeling… and on some days, no soul at all.
I can’t even count the number of times when I would force myself to watch some sad pathetic movie just to awaken any sort of sense of pain… sense of anything, really, that would feel normal. I wish I had a better way to explain what it’s like to feel like less of a woman… In a way, the thing that is most frustrating about her tendency to stop by for a visit, is that she doesn’t always give a shit about what’s going on in your life … where you are, what you’re doing and whether or not this is a good time… it’s a good time for her and she’s back.
…bringing with her some less than desirable consequences … sometimes like clockwork and sometimes not, the bottom line of which is that you have no control. Every time she’s back, without giving it much thought a person is reminded of their inexplicable tie to our physical nature, our biology. You as a human being are just a tool of nature and as much as you may think you’re living through your own determination of destiny and reality, you own control of your needs, ambitions and desires, you’re really just reacting to the mammal inside you, until that is you awaken one day, like me, and you’re not.
And it’s in that moment, when all of a sudden biology is no longer a part of your daily struggles, and no time is a bad time for your best underwear, and there isn’t really a week you feel more manic than another, or a cramp you despise like someone actually did punch you in the gut, and when you’re bloated you can’t blame anyone but yourself.
You’re not really waiting for her to show up or leave… and when friends ask to spot you, you’ve got nothing to offer them – you haven’t bought one of those in god knows how long. And still, even after 15 months of having lost her, a part of me was never able to give up… for if I gave up on her, I might have had to give up on myself too.
So when she finally barged in yesterday, a little lost and battered perhaps, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I threw myself at her like you would at a long lost friend… together we screamed and laughed and cried and jumped for joy. For old time sake I got on her case about the lack of warning and as usual, terrible timing. I was already running late for my date and was now going to have to make a stop at the store.
I twirled the box of tampax in my hand while standing in line like it was a box of chocolates, surely it was the most thrilling 6 euros I’ve spent in Belgium so far. I begged for a worker to open the already closed bathroom door at the mall…’it’s an emergency’ I said… he must have been confused by my excitement and glowing smile, …but I could have kissed him!
I’m so glad she’s back.
…and I hope she stays a while …and I hope she comes again.
January 4, 2011 § 1 Comment
*Note: I’ve never been one to keep a journal, although I’ve always wanted to… many many times throughout my life I had made the effort to start, but was never really able to keep it going. Lately it seems that my post have been more sparse, but what I’ve found is that somehow while living in this ‘far from myself’ world, so to speak, there’s been nothing more helpful than writing things down. Sometimes, I even go back and re-read my gibberish, just to mentally keep track of my own evolution. The purpose of this post I think will be to find some sort of answer, record some of my thought process… ask better questions and ultimately keep the storyline going. Because, lets face it, what fun would it be to read a novel without the good parts. Family, please proceed with caution… 🙂
As you’ve probably gathered before, my whole life, it would seem, I’ve been running from something… from being American, from being Russian, or just simply being … running towards being loved, away from being loved, …sprinting across continents, hobbies, devotions, careers … running in place, running from standing still and finally running from running. Very few times in my life it would seem I have been able to stay steady and grounded and truly appreciate it for what it is… and the times I do recall of such contempt… are ironically fleeting.
This time, it was 4AM and I found myself running for the door… and another new years resolution was born. stop running.
If I have to start from the beginning, I’ll have to start with his chin… there’s something so sculpturesque about it, that literally no chin could compare. Not even one that came straight out of the mold of a wax museum. It’s rough edges – so masculine in their shape… and a divot that separates his lower lip in half, that seduces …wildly. ….and the coarse stubble that accents his jaw line with a dark shadow, leaves me …raw.
His eyes need only glance to render me powerless – a translucent sort of ice colored glare, somewhat cold and distant in reality, but stunningly piercing… yet there is a sweetness behind them that pleads with kindness… like they belong to a warm soul that… if only you had a key for… and the bald thing it turns out is really of no consequence at all. … and if anything may be god’s gift to women for easily identifying masculinity at its best. The rest of course will still have to be figured out via trial and error, like the rest of the world.
There’s a ton already I don’t like and a ton more I do… there are ways in which he seems perfect and many in which he is blatantly not. But like the crazy fool that I am, I have slammed the breaks on this less than week-long ride more times than even makes any kind of logical sense and have managed to flee from the scene down darkened alleys just a few hours short of dawn more than I care to admit… anything it would seem to avoid god forbid stumbling into my own feelings …or ‘gasp’ …something real.
The one time I made the mistake of letting him sleep at my place, I was wide awake all night. My brain I think really needed to think of the world according to yesteryear and was in no way ready to handle awakening in someones arms. I was seconds away from escaping out my own window. True story.
Next I slammed on even more breaks and said we’d play it by ear… then i ran for the door again. Today I stayed home for fear of finding more things to run from. I really needed the time to think…
…am I fearful of coming or going… giving or taking… loving or leaving… or being left…
by the end of the day, few answers came to me. Until that is I spoke to wise Oxi who pointed out a wonderful thing about the difference between her and I.
‘I’, she says, ‘am too egotistical when it comes to love… I love for me, so when it stops being for me it becomes time to stop loving.’
‘You’, she says, ‘might not have to fear loving as much if you just keep track of the benefit it brings you and bail only when it brings none’
Somehow, I liked the idea of not needing breaks, if you always have the option of stopping this freight train… What a novel idea!… I think sometimes I forget that there’s no lease attached to my trysts… no bills to split upon parting, no cats to share, furniture to sort, rings to give away and always a place to call my own. I really don’t need to slam on all these breaks if there’s always an actual stop sign in sight.
Somehow I found this thought empowering… I picked up the phone and for the first time this week made an actual effort… ‘hi cutie 🙂 just txting to say sweet dreams’.
…and there you go, I’m in Europe and I’ve stumbled on a lil tryst.
December 29, 2010 § Leave a comment
With only a slight nudge, the door flew wide open and a below freezing gust of wind hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. In only a matter of a few hours, the air had turned ice cold and the light brisk walk it took to get there, suddenly felt very far. I looked over at my new friend and wondered for a second how this night will end. Within minutes I couldn’t feel my feet, the tip of my nose was long gone and my fingers were slowly curling inward. We walked hurriedly along deserted streets, barely saying a word. I wanted to keep up the conversation but my brain was completely frozen and my lips iced over shut. ‘Good god, I’m cold!’ I finally stuttered. ‘Me too’ he says, warming his hands together.
… ‘you know, you’re a little bit useless’ I thought… even in SF I would have been offered a jacket or warm pocket or something ….and it’s not even a matter of life and death there… !
The truth is, beforehand, we had spent another 5+ hours together, walking, dinnering, bar hopping, talking… he even asked to go in for a McD’s snack on the way home. We covered every topic in the book… especially the ones they say not to ever talk about… and still the closest to a sign of interest was a the nervous flickering of a coin that eventually rolled its way onto my side of the table.
And so we began our walk back.
He wasn’t much for conversation either, although must have been less cold as he proceeded to take the long way back and show me a good laundry mat for my future use. It is only now that it’s somehow dawned on me that in fact it might have been to place us right into the lap of his front door, but I was so cold I could barely breathe, let alone think, let alone pick up on drawn out clues to his er… signs of affection.
Maybe I didn’t look as cold as I felt, but if he had said there was a warm room for me within 2 seconds of where we were standing… I would have hands down picked warmth over anything. I mean, ANYTHING. so cold.
But speed of action is not this guys forte, so I couldn’t for a second take the chance on waiting. I was going HOME and FAST.
As soon as we walked to a corner, I turned around and proclaimed that there’s a heater blasting in my flat and I must GO. There was a slight pause… it was as if the world had suddenly stopped spinning for a minute, it really could have.. i’m telling you, it was that cold…! I stepped down from the side walk onto the street, looked up and then something rather interesting happened… Baldie with his most adorable sweet eyes peaking from behind his bushy eyebrows and sporty looking beanie, dropped a slow gaze into my eyes, wobbled forward slowly and placed his forehead on mine. It was the most sweet and strange thing I’ve ever experienced… so much so that without even thinking about it, I turned slightly and pressed my lips against his warm cheek. For what it’s worth, the moment seemed to last a life time… for maybe a brief second I wasn’t cold anymore. But as soon as my brain caught up with the storyline, my lips did a sudden 180 in the other direction and I abruptly lifted my forehead from his.
I’m not sure which I was more confused by… his continual inaction, or my even more bazaar re-action. Since when do I got around pressing my lips against cheeks of men that don’t even have the balls to kiss me first? And if I’m going to be the one leading this charade, surly it has never involve closed eyes and anything you could call sweet. That’s not my AMMO!
We kissed once more before I parted after-which I darted home as fast as my feet would take me… wondering, am i running because I’m freezing or because I’m running. And, am I uninterested because I’m freezing or am uninterested. And, will I actually study tomorrow like I told him I would…
December 29, 2010 § Leave a comment
With the new year swiftly approaching, I’ve awaken for the past few days with one thing and only one thing on my mind… what are my new years resolutions?
Somewhat of the total dork that I am, I’ve been jotting down notes for this very day for the entire year… the last big attempt of which was made while I was waiting for N at the airport a few months ago in Brussels. I was sitting there watching all these people – happy and sad, coming and going – and for whatever reason was stuck with an epiphany for what I want out of life. I had no paper at the time, so I jotted it down on the back of my expired train ticket and stuffed it in my wallet – unread. I wanted the ideas to ferment a bit, so I made sure not to read until just a few days ago, and now that I’ve read it over again … it’s all that i can think about. literally.
I won’t give you the details of what it actually says, as I am a firm believer in jinxing things. But, I have to say it’s pretty spot on and is only missing a a few key ingredients for a good year, one of which I’ve decided could be the only thing on the list and would already make for an accomplished feat. It’s something that seems to be broken inside me and must be fixed like NOW. …Stop making lists!
… just kidding, I’m not quite ready for that one, but it would be nice if I could learn to focus a little less on the external world and get a bit more in touch with my own needs and feelings. Somehow through years and years of building walls upon walls to protect myself from move upon move upon move… and break-up upon break-up upon break-up … and other unspeakable things, some of which required a whole damn castle of emotional isolation, I’ve finally found myself looking down at the world from one of my many towers, Rapunzel style with this realization that this hair that I so desperately want to fetch me a prince from down there, is just not gonna cut it!
Enough with the metaphors, but actually I’m not even talking about a Prince. Really I’m just talking about learning to enjoy yourself, relax and know your own sense of happiness. Sometimes I think, I spend so much time and energy trying to figure the rest of this crazy world out… worried mostly about their feelings, their being, their context… that more often than not, I completely forget about my own. It’s soooo time to stop this little watching routine of mine and make a real effort to participate.
This year, I vow to focus on breaking down these walls, venturing outside and just living. But, I have to say that keeping this blog has been somewhat of an amazing experience from which I’ve managed to learn quite a bit about myself… as I’m sure you have as well … sorry. 🙂 But, I appreciate all the encouragement to keep writing and look forward to taking you all on many interesting new journeys in the coming year. ❤