November 4, 2010 § 4 Comments
Based on the kind of mood that I’m in, I can warn you upfront that is going to be a pretty raw, revealing look at myself… one which for better of worse, probably belongs more in a private journal, but will have the utter bald-aciousness to show up on a public blog.
For Bliss or Money… that is the question today… which is it that we should all be vying after? I have to tell you that I am extremely proud and amazed of how my life has turned out in the last few months. I couldn’t be happier being exactly who and where I am. On my walk home today, as the flurry of yellow leaves danced along with me to the slow shuffle of my defeat, yes complete defeat… still, I couldn’t not think of a single place, year, or moment, on earth where I would rather be. This place, this season, this year of mine… it is true magic, even if not at all what I expected.
Yet, I can tell you this much… failing, no matter how much you can reason with yourself… doesn’t feel good. It packs a sting… that painfully jolts you into reatlity – maybe this is not the place for me.
Of course, whenever you think along those lines… or rather, whenever I think along those lines, I can’t help but feel that somehow that would make a quitter… as if this is somehow a deep seated pattern inside, that only lets me get so far… before I ditch things all together for a brand new start. But honestly, sometimes I feel like quitting is not a bad thing… it is more about being able to more closely define for yourself what it is you’re in search of. For me, the question comes down to two very simple things… which should I live for, for Bliss or Money?
If I were to live for Bliss, I would not for a second spend any more time chasing after something that actually is not my thing at all. Don’t get me wrong… I do love a challenge, and I love what SQL does… or SAS or even SPSS… I have no problem with the subject and/or the learning… School is just about the most amazing thing there is. But, in all honesty, there isn’t anything here that I intend to do for the rest of my life. I just have no interested in spending 10 hour days in front of a computer, … I need to be out and about. I really really do.
But then there’s the question of Money.. I guess it’s kind of important. But honestly… and I can’t even believe I”m about to write this, it is only important in so long that I’m single… a dual income solves everything. And a dual income household bringing in two minimum wages, spells, enough to live on, time to enjoy and someone to love on… basically, a pretty damn good place to be. So, it’s not like I”m even saying that money is not important as long as you have a rich boyfriend, in fact I’m just saying… money is not important at all. The only life scenario in which I see myself caring about whether or not I have money is if I decide to raise a kid by myself… then yes. But surly, I am not busting my ass in this program for that plan. I assure you, landing a boyfriend would be much easier than that.
So then, why am I here… More and more this question begins to haunt me… I don’t want to be a quitter, but that is no reason to live life in fear of making difficult choices. Whenever faced with such life dilemmas, I try always ask myself what I would do if I only had one more year to live… then I do that.
So if I only had one more year to live, would I choose to spend it inside my apartment, without a second to spare, still failing every test there is…. I probably should back up and explain, the test we were given this afternoon was pretty funny actually… , if it weren’t so tragic… each question probably would have taken qt least two hours, to solve EACH… alas there were 7. I assure you it wasn’t just hard, not even just impossible… the level of the questions was so complex, that knowing or not knowing is beyond irrelvent. I really could have spent a good 10+ hours trying and would have still not gotten it right. In fact, the amount of code it would take to answer everything, would probably take well over 30 minutes… JUST to type up, … yes, if you were just copying it .. let alone, understanding it… let alone… processing it… let alone …ah, writing it.
My classmates and I were in beyond shock…. Sort of a strange life daze, that all of a sudden makes you wonder what the next move is. Of course you can try, try, try… but then you… I… will have wasted all my savings, living abroad without having seen a thing and gaining knowledge that I am excited to learn, but not really all that keen on using. I’m sure it will come in handy, but a part of me just wants to take a language course, travel around a bit and find a traveling consulting gig. I know, doesn’t taht just sounds like a much more awesome plan… one that might actually breathe life into me, instead of out…?
Perhaps some of you have some life wisdom to offer up here. What is the best course of action…. How would you suggest striking a balance between Bliss and Money…. there is no such thing as both… at least not when it comes to the polar opposite things that I’m attracted to.
My favorite guy, Richard Carlson, actually quit law school at one point to follow his passion for psychology… he says sometimes knowing when to walk away is just as important as knowing when not to. I will wait a bit longer, but know that this is on my mind… and is being seriously considered. I am very keen on keeping happy… it is the one thing that I have worked hard to deserve and not allowed myself to do too much of in the past few years. If this will not do it, the next thing will…
I can count on ONE hand the amount of times I’ve been outside in the past 2 months (not counting my most favorite morning walks to school… ONE hand.
I know I said earlier, just WANT…. so hear me say this… i DO. I want very much to be happy and to be able to see more of this world and feel happy while I still can. And while getting this degree would surly help, there is no reason for it to hurt it. It is not that important… what is important is that with or without it, I couldn’t be more happy to be here… but I think I might be ready to finally enjoy it. What to do…