February 27, 2011 § Leave a comment
There have been so many life developments, both good and bad, over the past few weeks that I can’t even begin to catch you up on everything …but I don’t want this blog to fall by the waist-side either, so forgive me if I whizz-through this storyline…
Somehow… between an amazing trip to Latvia with one of my russian girlfriends ….a great trip to Amsterdam to FINALLY see some family …..my parents’ visit to Gent ….my uber – i can’t even begin to describe to you level of – disappointment I felt after failing one of my tests ….and the crazy roller-coaster of long-forgotten emotions (that tend to come along with dear aunt flow – who has now, thank god, visited me twice after her 15 month hiatus) ….I have found myself a recipient of a flower delivery – a lovely orchid ….and shortly after the… what’s the word, unbearable…? sentence of quasi established relations …the future of which is… unclear, at best. ….and the oh-so terrifying title of being someones … er, girlfriend.
Don’t get me wrong either, as I am not completely not thrilled, but I must admit I feel utterly unprepared for it. Which, of course simply means there’ll be a ton to write about… stay tuned!
Like why on earth am I freaking out? Do I even want it? Do I not want it? Seriously, what is my deal.
My head, as if I don’t already let it dictate 99.9% of all my decisions… tells me it’s not a good idea. Not really a good time for it. And probably not even the right person… and certainly not in the right country!
But that other thing they call the heart…, is more confused than ever … and that incessant tic-tocking of my biological clock says… you’re a bit too old to be waiting for something, aren’t you?
… and that constant need of mine to explore, is just happy to have a travel buddy.
Honestly though, there’s a part of me that’s just kind of tired of holding myself back… so I’m egging myself on to get a few toes wet… and maybe just plunge in… or not.
Still, I look back at at his predecessors, both those that were and weren’t… and wonder.
…what to glean from our histories… what to change going forward ...and where did it all go wrong.
February 7, 2011 § 6 Comments
… I finally glued myself off my chair and ventured into the city to try and walk off the antsy. I paced, and ate and shopped and toured for hours, to no avail. There was only one thing left to try that would help me unwind – one person that is whose existence drummed away at the top of my skull, rendering my ability to focus on anything else to NULL.
I fiddled with the cheap little black matchbox of a phone that I have… and hit send …
…it had been three days since a rather strange form of interrogation by my friend, lets call her Rory,
…eight or so days since I had stumbled onto his beautiful (albeit exceptionally drunk) eyes on my way home from the lab
….and a couple of weeks prior to the suppose end.
Baldie writes back and we find ourselves face to face, a few minutes later, discussing the improbable. What does it mean that I can’t look away from the rapt stare of his seductive eyes or my deep seated distrusts of any possible future between us… or the mere fact that we are back to the beginning, as if we don’t know how this cup of tea will end…
R’s grilling was harsh to say the least and aired everything out into the open. It probably deserves a whole separate post… ‘she says you have a tendency to mother’ he recalls… ‘ … i suppose good friends can be forgiven when they meddle’ we agreed … ‘yes, i suppose they should.’
Somehow having been charred to pieces by questions of intention and ability to care, love and the disection of each of our character flaws, had made it difficult to be anything but real from here on out… perhaps a little bedroom time would help, we reasoned. Perhaps. And somehow this breathed yet another life into this little dance of ours…
I didn’t get home to study until a couple days later in a panic… dear girl, forget everything that’s happened this past few days and STUDY, please – I begged myself.
How will I ever learn PL/SQL in 4 days, How?!
I chucked my phone under the couch for minimal distraction and proceeded – forcing anything unrelated to PL/SQL out of my brain… ending all contact sans the occasional txt hello.
Then came thursday morning.
My exam wasn’t until the afternoon, but I had awaken at 7 to get a head start on the final push. Fast forward an hour and a half later and chirp chirp goes my phone…
In fear of getting distracted, I waited a few minutes to see what it was… but getting a text at 8 am on a thursday morning seemed a tad unusual, … strange, really. …so I pulled myself away from my books for a second, flipped on my phone and read…
‘I almost died’
I read it again, just in case I misunderstood… maybe a joke i thought, an exaggeration, a misuse of the English language…
ok, i’ll bite… ‘why? what happened? is everything ok?’
I replied with a few more questions and show of concern, but secretly hoped it was nothing… at least nothing I could deal with at that moment. No reply ever came.
I studied hard, got dressed, ate… took my four hour exam, looked at my phone again at 5:30pm… still no reply.
‘Is everything ok?’ I wrote … still nothing
I called once… then again… then again… the repetitive nonsensical jibber jabber of his dutch voice mail message began to send me into a panic.
Where was he? What happened? Why did it take me this long to start to worry… ? Am I worried? …Do I have a right to be worried?
I called again.. it was 12 hours since the news had come in… still nothing.
Finally my phone rings. ‘Are you ok’? I pick up in a panic. ‘oh M, I don’t even know where to begin… yes and no, it would seem’
‘I was flying through the air, upside down at 85 miles an hour, right after I hit a car and cement wall… and all I could think was – this is going to hurt. The car flew over the freeway divider and skidded onto oncoming traffic… ‘
‘Are you ok… ‘ I mumbled softly
‘Do you believe in angels? …There was blood and glass and people everywhere… I unbuckled myself and I crawled out from under my mangled hood with but a scratch. What does it all mean… ? Tell me, how do I go on from here… ?’
….Would you have come to my funeral?
‘What can I do?’ I asked hesitantly, for fear of this being our new beginning. ‘Please come hold me.’
That night I held a man in tears, and he my heart… ?
January 14, 2011 § Leave a comment
If you’ve been keeping up with my blog at all, you might have noticed a pattern in my last years wants… somehow I had found myself in a strange, unknown to me world of utter independence and somewhat of an emotionless existence. Maybe in fact this was due to the disappearance of my long lost friend who is finally back, or simply a path of self preservation… But what is blatantly clear now, is that
a) you should really be careful about what you wish for and
b) i might have gotten really good at being on my own (finally), but this does not indeed mean that I’ve learned anything about being with others.
I think you could say, I am a strong believer in balance too – but just cause I believe in it doesn’t mean I’m any good at it.
The biggest issue I’ve had in my relationships so far is finding a good balance between being independent and enjoying a co-dependent existence. When you’re young I think, relationships come much easier. Because, lets face it, you don’t quite know who you are yet so the idea of balance between anything is pure nonsense… Identifying is what you’re doing at that point and what could be more fun than Identifying yourself with someone else, and even more importantly with the feelings you have for them. Once you actually know a bit about yourself and what you’re attempting to do in life, balancing that with stumbling into a new person you might like is actually quite difficult… ok, so enough code. Here’s the update:
There are moments here and there where I really like him. Like he’ll say something or do something and I am putty…. And then others, when if I could just get up and walk away at that exact moment when it just hits me (This is NOT for you!) , I would. But then of course, another hour passes and whatever it is that seemed so definite before, becomes a bit muddy again… and so it goes, the beginnings of that thing I’ve so diligently been avoiding, up until now. …Ah, I kinda remember this.
Still, I really want things to be black and white and will try to make a more coherent decision about our future relations in the next few days, …week…s… TOPS.
Ok, the truth is I sort of kind of already tried to break things off… but like I said, I’m terrible at it. And in fact, when a guy knows how to show their true colors when they’re being told they’re not really liked as much as they thought they were… all of a sudden, I melt… and become ones of those really lame people that can’t make up their minds. ‘… yeah, i guess you could still stay…’
Sometimes I think I do it in hopes of the other person getting fed up and pulling the trigger… then at least I get to feel all sensitive and hurt and not at all to blame. This brings us to yet another new years resolution to add to the list… Become more decisive. Doesn’t matter what you choose. just fuckn CHOOSE. (but actually this probably goes ENTIRELY against what it means to develop a relationship and feelings for someone over time… so, maybe I need to work on the idea that any sort of choice is involved… are we going with our head or our heart here, dear? …damn it).
No matter how much I want to fight it, I am petrified of another few years of my life being devote to someone… someone else other than me, that is.
In talking with others, I’ve been reminded of the difference between someone who has spent their entire life looking for a serious relationship and someone like me who keeps getting burned by them. Somehow getting involved with someone even on the most superficial level carries with it a sort of warped assumption on my part that they’re here to stay (Only warped of course, in so much that for most people that in fact IS the goal… not so much for me … i seem to be under the strange misconception that a successful relationship is that which is fun, easy, short and temporary…um, where on earth did I get that notion?!). Maybe it’s my inexperience with break ups… historically, I’ve been crap at them and I can’t even remember the last time I was actually dumped. Honestly, you’d have to be pretty emotionally open to be blindsided by that kind of news and… I’m just not that kind of girl. There’s probably something wrong with that too…
But anyway, what’s proving to be awesomely true about Belgium is that it’s literally presented me, one after another, with all of my so-called life issues – finally, giving me a chance to come to terms with them all. The russian thing for example has been amazing… I have never felt more culturally healthy and at ease with who I am – as I’ve learned to be here – I couldn’t be more thankful for the opportunty to come to terms with that baggage… I am literally in love with my new found appreciate for my cultural background, for my ability to speak another language, for my appreciation of many worlds… for my Russianess and my Americaness. How lucky that I am both and neither, at the same time. And it only took 4 months and 10 days…
Perhaps now, Belgium will teach me more about relationships… how to love… or how not to love… to selfishly break up or or get hurt to bits. In the next year or so, how lovely would it be to wake up one day and actually be ready for the One.
But before that can happen, I might have to grow up a little…
For now, I don’t mind stumbling into love , but when it comes to the One, I’d like to actually go out and find him. A sincere apology to anyone I happen to come across until then… (of course, the devils advocate in me screams, that’s your problem right there!!! 🙂 )
January 4, 2011 § 1 Comment
*Note: I’ve never been one to keep a journal, although I’ve always wanted to… many many times throughout my life I had made the effort to start, but was never really able to keep it going. Lately it seems that my post have been more sparse, but what I’ve found is that somehow while living in this ‘far from myself’ world, so to speak, there’s been nothing more helpful than writing things down. Sometimes, I even go back and re-read my gibberish, just to mentally keep track of my own evolution. The purpose of this post I think will be to find some sort of answer, record some of my thought process… ask better questions and ultimately keep the storyline going. Because, lets face it, what fun would it be to read a novel without the good parts. Family, please proceed with caution… 🙂
As you’ve probably gathered before, my whole life, it would seem, I’ve been running from something… from being American, from being Russian, or just simply being … running towards being loved, away from being loved, …sprinting across continents, hobbies, devotions, careers … running in place, running from standing still and finally running from running. Very few times in my life it would seem I have been able to stay steady and grounded and truly appreciate it for what it is… and the times I do recall of such contempt… are ironically fleeting.
This time, it was 4AM and I found myself running for the door… and another new years resolution was born. stop running.
If I have to start from the beginning, I’ll have to start with his chin… there’s something so sculpturesque about it, that literally no chin could compare. Not even one that came straight out of the mold of a wax museum. It’s rough edges – so masculine in their shape… and a divot that separates his lower lip in half, that seduces …wildly. ….and the coarse stubble that accents his jaw line with a dark shadow, leaves me …raw.
His eyes need only glance to render me powerless – a translucent sort of ice colored glare, somewhat cold and distant in reality, but stunningly piercing… yet there is a sweetness behind them that pleads with kindness… like they belong to a warm soul that… if only you had a key for… and the bald thing it turns out is really of no consequence at all. … and if anything may be god’s gift to women for easily identifying masculinity at its best. The rest of course will still have to be figured out via trial and error, like the rest of the world.
There’s a ton already I don’t like and a ton more I do… there are ways in which he seems perfect and many in which he is blatantly not. But like the crazy fool that I am, I have slammed the breaks on this less than week-long ride more times than even makes any kind of logical sense and have managed to flee from the scene down darkened alleys just a few hours short of dawn more than I care to admit… anything it would seem to avoid god forbid stumbling into my own feelings …or ‘gasp’ …something real.
The one time I made the mistake of letting him sleep at my place, I was wide awake all night. My brain I think really needed to think of the world according to yesteryear and was in no way ready to handle awakening in someones arms. I was seconds away from escaping out my own window. True story.
Next I slammed on even more breaks and said we’d play it by ear… then i ran for the door again. Today I stayed home for fear of finding more things to run from. I really needed the time to think…
…am I fearful of coming or going… giving or taking… loving or leaving… or being left…
by the end of the day, few answers came to me. Until that is I spoke to wise Oxi who pointed out a wonderful thing about the difference between her and I.
‘I’, she says, ‘am too egotistical when it comes to love… I love for me, so when it stops being for me it becomes time to stop loving.’
‘You’, she says, ‘might not have to fear loving as much if you just keep track of the benefit it brings you and bail only when it brings none’
Somehow, I liked the idea of not needing breaks, if you always have the option of stopping this freight train… What a novel idea!… I think sometimes I forget that there’s no lease attached to my trysts… no bills to split upon parting, no cats to share, furniture to sort, rings to give away and always a place to call my own. I really don’t need to slam on all these breaks if there’s always an actual stop sign in sight.
Somehow I found this thought empowering… I picked up the phone and for the first time this week made an actual effort… ‘hi cutie 🙂 just txting to say sweet dreams’.
…and there you go, I’m in Europe and I’ve stumbled on a lil tryst.
December 29, 2010 § Leave a comment
With only a slight nudge, the door flew wide open and a below freezing gust of wind hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. In only a matter of a few hours, the air had turned ice cold and the light brisk walk it took to get there, suddenly felt very far. I looked over at my new friend and wondered for a second how this night will end. Within minutes I couldn’t feel my feet, the tip of my nose was long gone and my fingers were slowly curling inward. We walked hurriedly along deserted streets, barely saying a word. I wanted to keep up the conversation but my brain was completely frozen and my lips iced over shut. ‘Good god, I’m cold!’ I finally stuttered. ‘Me too’ he says, warming his hands together.
… ‘you know, you’re a little bit useless’ I thought… even in SF I would have been offered a jacket or warm pocket or something ….and it’s not even a matter of life and death there… !
The truth is, beforehand, we had spent another 5+ hours together, walking, dinnering, bar hopping, talking… he even asked to go in for a McD’s snack on the way home. We covered every topic in the book… especially the ones they say not to ever talk about… and still the closest to a sign of interest was a the nervous flickering of a coin that eventually rolled its way onto my side of the table.
And so we began our walk back.
He wasn’t much for conversation either, although must have been less cold as he proceeded to take the long way back and show me a good laundry mat for my future use. It is only now that it’s somehow dawned on me that in fact it might have been to place us right into the lap of his front door, but I was so cold I could barely breathe, let alone think, let alone pick up on drawn out clues to his er… signs of affection.
Maybe I didn’t look as cold as I felt, but if he had said there was a warm room for me within 2 seconds of where we were standing… I would have hands down picked warmth over anything. I mean, ANYTHING. so cold.
But speed of action is not this guys forte, so I couldn’t for a second take the chance on waiting. I was going HOME and FAST.
As soon as we walked to a corner, I turned around and proclaimed that there’s a heater blasting in my flat and I must GO. There was a slight pause… it was as if the world had suddenly stopped spinning for a minute, it really could have.. i’m telling you, it was that cold…! I stepped down from the side walk onto the street, looked up and then something rather interesting happened… Baldie with his most adorable sweet eyes peaking from behind his bushy eyebrows and sporty looking beanie, dropped a slow gaze into my eyes, wobbled forward slowly and placed his forehead on mine. It was the most sweet and strange thing I’ve ever experienced… so much so that without even thinking about it, I turned slightly and pressed my lips against his warm cheek. For what it’s worth, the moment seemed to last a life time… for maybe a brief second I wasn’t cold anymore. But as soon as my brain caught up with the storyline, my lips did a sudden 180 in the other direction and I abruptly lifted my forehead from his.
I’m not sure which I was more confused by… his continual inaction, or my even more bazaar re-action. Since when do I got around pressing my lips against cheeks of men that don’t even have the balls to kiss me first? And if I’m going to be the one leading this charade, surly it has never involve closed eyes and anything you could call sweet. That’s not my AMMO!
We kissed once more before I parted after-which I darted home as fast as my feet would take me… wondering, am i running because I’m freezing or because I’m running. And, am I uninterested because I’m freezing or am uninterested. And, will I actually study tomorrow like I told him I would…