girlfriend status

February 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

There have been so many life developments, both good and bad, over the past few weeks that I can’t even begin to catch you up on everything …but I don’t want this blog to fall by the waist-side either, so forgive me if I whizz-through this storyline…

Somehow… between an amazing trip to Latvia with one of my russian girlfriends  ….a great trip to Amsterdam to FINALLY see some family …..my parents’ visit to Gent ….my uber – i can’t even begin to describe to you level of – disappointment I felt after failing one of my tests ….and the crazy roller-coaster of long-forgotten emotions (that tend to come along with dear aunt flow – who has now, thank god, visited me twice after her 15 month hiatus)   ….I have found myself a recipient of a flower delivery – a lovely orchid ….and shortly after the… what’s the word,  unbearable…?  sentence of quasi established relations …the future of which is… unclear, at best.   ….and the oh-so terrifying title of being someones … er, girlfriend.

Don’t get me wrong either, as I am not completely not thrilled, but I must admit I feel utterly unprepared for it. Which, of course simply means there’ll be a ton to write about… stay tuned!

Like why on earth am I freaking out? Do I even want it? Do I not want it? Seriously, what is my deal.

My head, as if I don’t already let it dictate 99.9% of all my decisions… tells me it’s not a good idea.  Not really a good time for it. And probably not even the right person… and certainly not in the right country!

But that other thing they call the heart…, is more confused than ever … and that incessant tic-tocking of my biological clock says… you’re a bit too old to be waiting for something, aren’t you?

… and that constant need of mine to explore, is just happy to have a travel buddy.

Honestly though, there’s a part of me that’s just kind of tired of holding myself back… so I’m egging myself on to get a few toes wet… and maybe just plunge in…  or not.

Still, I look back at at his predecessors, both those that were and weren’t… and wonder.

…what to glean from our histories…   what to change going forward ...and where did it all go wrong.

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Crash.

February 7, 2011 § 6 Comments

… I finally glued myself off my chair and ventured into the city to try and walk off the antsy. I paced, and ate and shopped and toured for hours, to no avail. There was only one thing left to try that would help me unwind – one person that is whose existence drummed away at the top of my skull, rendering my ability to focus on anything else to NULL.

I fiddled with the cheap little black matchbox of a phone that I have…  and hit send …

…it had been three days since a rather strange form of interrogation by my friend, lets call her Rory,

…eight or so days since I had stumbled onto his beautiful (albeit exceptionally drunk) eyes on my way home from the lab

….and a couple of weeks prior to the suppose end.

Baldie writes back and we find ourselves face to face, a few minutes later, discussing the improbable. What does it mean that I can’t look away from the rapt stare of his seductive eyes or my deep seated distrusts of any possible future between us… or the mere fact that we are back to the beginning, as if we don’t know how this cup of tea will end…

R’s  grilling was harsh to say the least and aired everything out into the open. It probably deserves a whole separate post… ‘she says you have a tendency to mother’ he recalls…  ‘ … i suppose good friends can be forgiven when they meddle’ we agreed … ‘yes, i suppose they should.’

Somehow having been charred to pieces by questions of intention and ability to care, love and the disection of each of our character flaws, had made it difficult to be anything but real from here on out… perhaps a little bedroom time would help, we reasoned. Perhaps. And somehow this breathed yet another life into this little dance of ours…

I didn’t get home to study until a couple days later in a panic… dear girl, forget everything that’s happened this past few days and STUDY, please – I begged myself.

How will I ever learn PL/SQL in 4 days, How?!

I chucked my phone under the couch for minimal distraction and proceeded – forcing anything unrelated to PL/SQL out of my brain… ending all contact sans the occasional txt hello.

Then came thursday morning.

My exam wasn’t until the afternoon, but I had awaken at 7 to get a head start on the final push. Fast forward an hour and a half later and chirp chirp goes my phone…

In fear of getting distracted, I waited a few minutes to see what it was… but getting a text at 8 am on a thursday morning seemed a tad unusual, … strange, really. …so I pulled myself away from my books for a second, flipped on my phone and read…

‘I almost died’

I read it again, just in case I misunderstood… maybe a joke i thought, an exaggeration, a misuse of the English language…

ok, i’ll bite…  ‘why? what happened? is everything ok?’

‘Car crash’

I replied with a few more questions and show of concern, but secretly hoped it was nothing… at least nothing I could deal with at that moment. No reply ever came.

I studied hard, got dressed, ate… took my four hour exam, looked at my phone again at 5:30pm… still no reply.

‘Is everything ok?’ I wrote … still nothing

I called once… then again… then again…  the repetitive nonsensical jibber jabber of his dutch voice mail message began to send me into a panic.

Where was he? What happened? Why did it take me this long to start to worry… ? Am I worried? …Do I have a right to be worried?

I called again.. it was 12 hours since the news had come in… still nothing.

Finally my phone rings. ‘Are you ok’? I pick up in a panic.  ‘oh M, I don’t even know where to begin…  yes and no, it would seem’

‘I was flying through the air, upside down at 85 miles an hour, right after I hit a car and cement wall… and all I could think was – this is going to hurt. The car flew over the freeway divider and skidded onto oncoming traffic… ‘

‘I saw it all..’ he kept repeating. ‘I saw it all… ‘

‘Are you ok… ‘ I mumbled softly

‘Do you believe in angels? …There was blood and glass and people everywhere… I unbuckled myself and I crawled out from under my mangled hood with but a scratch. What does it all mean… ? Tell me, how do I go on from here… ?’

….Would you have come to my funeral?


‘What can I do?’ I asked hesitantly, for fear of this being our new beginning. ‘Please come hold me.’

That night I held a man in tears, and he my heart… ?


Breaking up is hard to do…

January 16, 2011 § 2 Comments

… especially when you get barraged with post break-up messages and end up in Brussels, smoochless.

But, let me back up a little first…  cause it all started shortly after I posted my last entry ….and a hop skip and a jump, later …life took a little tumble.

I sat at St. Peters Station, for whatever reasons, accosted by an epiphany that I MUST get what I came for and make any sort of fuzzy life decisions after-wards. I got my head screwed back on straight and the student in me awoke to dreams of a brand new semester of Forecasting hell. What is it about train stations?

You see, right after I last wrote, I had a rather interesting life conversation with my mom in which… at least I think that’s what she said… she advised me to open my heart a little and make sure to enjoy each moment. Then I received a rather inspirational email from one of my favorite people in this world who, as usual, set me straight…

‘somebody very wise once told me’ it said  ‘ …that I should just take my time and figure out what I want first…You should really practice what you preach.’

Thanks friend, I really should.

And so, I put on a pretty dress, got all datey and set out to fall in love. I enjoyed each moment with care… reminding myself of my wise advisers to just         ...let go and feel.

In a strange way, I really did… our conversation was lovely, giggles and smiles, an interesting movie and some lovely tea… beautiful Gent towering over us and empty cobble stone streets paving our way… hand in hand we walked, close. our lips kissed…

Perhaps this is the problem, but with the indecisive week I’d had before, somehow I felt inspired by the night and waited to fall in love. I waited an hour, I waited two, I waited three… I felt warm and special, even cared for… all the while waiting ….for the night to end, so I could go home… alone. Hmm…

Towards the end, we wrangled a bit over the difference in our expectations for the night and all of a sudden without warning, all my so called feelings… were gone. I looked over at him one more time, as I for the 10th time proceeded to decline his invitation to go home with him… and I just had no desire to do so. The truth is, I don’t really see him as a long term potential and in the short term, he’s kind of a pain in the ass, i though! I just want to go home, alone! I waved good bye, turned around and walked away almost single again…

I took each step with caution… how does this feel? a little further… what about now? To my surprise the further I walked away from him and the closer I got to home… the better I felt. And just like that, the decision I fumbled over for weeks… was made.

In the morning I woke up refreshed. I hopped on a bus to St. Pieter’s station and set out to meet the girls en route to Brussels. Oh, how I’ve missed them!… My Russian Mafia… My Sex and The City crew… My girls. While on the bus I thought about the best way in which to end things. In the past I’ve always been a fan of the slow fizzle,  but as long as I’m learning to be a more mature person in Belgium, I thought it probably time to learn to do this whole breaking-up thing, properly.

I reasoned my way to doing it over a text message and proceeded to click away…

As soon as I hit send, my phone rang… and then buzzed, and buzzed again… one text message after another and it all of a sudden became clear how differently we feel about the way things are. The messages are flattering, the never ending calls weirdly sweet, I’ll admit… and periodically come in without a single reply.

But for once, I actually know what I want and he is not it. Predictive Modeling..? so IS. So I’m switching my course work to MatLab, SAS Macros, more CRM and SPSS and bracing myself for another CRAZY student semester with my girls….

When we finally arrived in Brussels for a 100+ people house party – I was the only one out of the four of us not going at it in the corner. I sat there a bit less drunk than the others, thrilled with my new path… ready to kick ass….  and yes, a little lonely… happy with myself,though… i think.    missing his eyes …a little.

And there goes my phone again.

In Search Of The One.

January 14, 2011 § Leave a comment

If you’ve been keeping up with my blog at all,  you might have noticed a pattern in my last years wants… somehow I had found myself in a strange, unknown to me world of utter independence and somewhat of an emotionless existence. Maybe in fact this was due to the disappearance of my long lost friend who is finally back, or simply a path of self preservation… But what is blatantly clear now, is that

a) you should really be careful about what you wish for and

b) i might have gotten really good at being on my own (finally), but this does not indeed mean that I’ve learned anything about being with others.

I think you could say, I am a strong believer in balance toobut just cause I believe in it doesn’t mean I’m any good at it.


The biggest issue I’ve had in my relationships so far is finding a good balance between being independent and enjoying a  co-dependent existence. When you’re young I think, relationships come much easier. Because, lets face it, you don’t quite know who you are yet so the idea of balance between anything is pure nonsense… Identifying is what you’re doing at that point and what could be more fun than Identifying yourself with someone else, and even more importantly with the feelings you have for them. Once you actually know a bit about yourself and what you’re attempting to do in life, balancing that with stumbling into a new person you might like is actually quite difficult… ok, so enough code. Here’s the update:

There are moments here and there where I really like him. Like he’ll say something or do something and I am putty…. And then others, when if I could just get up and walk away at that exact moment when it just hits me (This is NOT for you!) , I would. But then of course, another hour passes and whatever it is that seemed so definite before, becomes a bit muddy again… and so it goes, the beginnings of that thing I’ve so diligently been avoiding, up until now. …Ah, I kinda remember this.

Still, I really want things to be black and white and will try to make a more coherent decision about our future relations in the next few days, …week…s… TOPS.

Ok, the truth is I sort of kind of already tried to break things off… but like I said, I’m terrible at it. And in fact, when a guy knows how to show their true colors when they’re being told they’re not really liked as much as they thought they were… all of a sudden, I melt… and become ones of those really lame people that can’t make up their minds. ‘… yeah, i guess you could still stay…’

Sometimes I think I do it in hopes of the other person getting fed up and pulling the trigger… then at least I get to feel all sensitive and hurt and not at all to blame. This brings us to yet another new years resolution to add to the list… Become more decisive. Doesn’t matter what you choose. just fuckn CHOOSE. (but actually this probably goes ENTIRELY against what it means to develop a relationship and feelings for someone over time… so, maybe I need to work on the idea that any sort of choice is involved… are we going with our head or our heart here, dear?  …damn it).

No matter how much I want to fight it, I am petrified of another few years of my life being devote to someone… someone else other than me, that is.

In talking with others, I’ve been reminded of the difference between someone who has spent their entire life looking for a serious relationship and someone like me who keeps getting burned by them. Somehow getting involved with someone even on the most superficial level carries with it a sort of warped assumption on my part that they’re here to stay (Only warped of course, in so much that for most people that in fact IS the goal… not so much for me … i seem to be under the strange misconception that a successful relationship is that which is fun, easy, short and temporary…um, where on earth did I get that notion?!). Maybe it’s my inexperience with break ups… historically, I’ve been crap at them and I can’t even remember the last time I was actually dumped. Honestly, you’d have to be pretty emotionally open to be blindsided by that kind of news and… I’m just not that kind of girl. There’s probably something wrong with that too…

But anyway, what’s proving to be awesomely true about Belgium is that it’s literally presented me, one after another, with all of my so-called life issues – finally, giving me a chance to come to terms with them all. The russian thing for example has been amazing… I have never felt more culturally healthy and at ease with who I am – as I’ve learned to be here  – I couldn’t be more thankful for the opportunty to come to terms with that baggage…  I am literally in love with my new found appreciate for my cultural background, for my ability to speak another language, for my appreciation of many worlds… for my Russianess and my Americaness. How lucky that I am both and neither, at the same time. And it only took 4 months and 10 days…

Perhaps now, Belgium will teach me more about relationships…  how to love… or how not to love… to selfishly break up or or get hurt to bits. In the next year or so, how lovely would it be to wake up one day and actually be ready for the One.

But before that can happen, I might have to grow up a little…

For now, I don’t mind stumbling into love , but when it comes to the One, I’d like to actually go out and find him. A sincere apology to anyone I happen to come across until then…  (of course, the devils advocate in me screams, that’s your problem right there!!! 🙂 )

A little tryst…

January 4, 2011 § 1 Comment

*Note: I’ve never been one to keep a journal, although I’ve always wanted to… many many times throughout my life I had made the effort to start, but was never really able to keep it going. Lately it seems that my post have been more sparse, but what I’ve found is that somehow while living in this ‘far from myself’ world, so to speak, there’s been nothing more helpful than writing things down. Sometimes, I even go back and re-read my gibberish, just to mentally keep track of my own evolution. The purpose of this post I think will be to find some sort of answer, record some of my thought process… ask better questions and ultimately keep the storyline going. Because, lets face it, what fun would it be to read a novel without the good parts. Family, please proceed with caution… 🙂

As you’ve probably gathered before, my whole life, it would seem, I’ve been running from something… from being American, from being Russian, or just simply being … running towards being loved, away from being loved, …sprinting across continents, hobbies, devotions, careers … running in place, running from standing still and finally running from running. Very few times in my life it would seem I have been able to stay steady and grounded and truly appreciate it for what it is… and the times I do recall of such contempt… are ironically fleeting.

This time, it was 4AM and I found myself running for the door… and another new years resolution was born. stop running.

If I have to start from the beginning, I’ll have to start with his chin… there’s something so sculpturesque about it, that literally no chin could compare. Not even one that came straight out of the mold of a wax museum. It’s rough edges – so masculine in their shape… and a divot that separates his lower lip in half, that seduces …wildly. ….and the coarse stubble that accents his jaw line with a dark shadow, leaves me …raw.

His eyes need only glance to render me powerless – a translucent sort of ice colored glare, somewhat cold and distant in reality, but stunningly piercing…  yet there is a sweetness behind them that pleads with kindness…  like they belong to a warm soul that… if only you had a key for…   and the bald thing it turns out is really of no consequence at all. … and if anything may be god’s gift to women for easily identifying masculinity at its best. The rest of course will still have to be figured out via trial and error, like the rest of the world.

There’s a ton already I don’t like and a ton more I do… there are ways in which he seems perfect and many in which he is blatantly not. But like the crazy fool that I am, I have slammed the breaks on this less than week-long ride more times than even makes any kind of logical sense and have managed to flee from the scene down darkened alleys just a few hours short of dawn more than I care to admit… anything it would seem to avoid god forbid stumbling into my own feelings …or ‘gasp’ …something real.

The one time I made the mistake of letting him sleep at my place, I was wide awake all night. My brain I think really needed to think of the world according to yesteryear and was in no way ready to handle awakening in someones arms. I was seconds away from escaping out my own window. True story.

Next I slammed on even more breaks and said we’d play it by ear… then i ran for the door again.  Today I stayed home for fear of finding more things to run from. I really needed the time to think…

…am I fearful of coming or going… giving or taking… loving or leaving… or being left…

by the end of the day, few answers came to me. Until that is I spoke to wise Oxi who pointed out a wonderful thing about the difference between her and I.

‘I’, she says, ‘am too egotistical when it comes to love… I love for me, so when it stops being for me it becomes time to stop loving.’

‘You’, she says, ‘might not have to fear loving as much if you just keep track of the benefit it brings you and bail only when it brings  none’

Somehow, I liked the idea of not needing breaks, if you always have the option of stopping this freight train… What a novel idea!… I think sometimes I forget that there’s no lease attached to my trysts… no bills to split upon parting, no cats to share, furniture to sort, rings to give away and always a place to call my own. I really don’t need to slam on all these breaks if there’s always an actual stop sign in sight.

Somehow I found this thought empowering… I picked up the phone and for the first time this week made an actual effort…  ‘hi cutie 🙂 just txting to say sweet dreams’.

…and there you go, I’m in Europe and I’ve stumbled on a lil tryst.

Dating in the cold…

December 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

With only a slight nudge, the door flew wide open and a below freezing gust of wind hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. In only a matter of a few hours, the air had turned ice cold and the light brisk walk it took to get there, suddenly felt very far. I looked over at my new friend and wondered for a second how this night will end. Within minutes I couldn’t feel my feet,  the tip of my nose was long gone and my fingers were slowly curling inward. We walked hurriedly along deserted streets, barely saying a word. I wanted to keep up the conversation but my brain was completely frozen and my lips iced over shut. ‘Good god, I’m cold!’ I finally stuttered. ‘Me too’ he says, warming his hands together.

… ‘you know, you’re a little bit useless’ I thoughteven in SF I would have been offered a jacket or warm pocket or something ….and it’s not even a matter of life and death there… !

The truth is, beforehand,  we had spent another 5+ hours together, walking, dinnering, bar hopping, talking… he even asked to go in for a McD’s snack on the way home. We covered every topic in the book… especially the ones they say not to ever talk about… and still the closest to a sign of interest was a the nervous flickering of a coin that eventually rolled its way onto my side of the table.

And so we began our walk back.

He wasn’t much for conversation either, although must have been less cold as he proceeded to take the long way back and show me a good laundry mat for my future use. It is only now that it’s somehow dawned on me that in fact it might have been to place us right into the lap of his front door, but I was so cold I could barely breathe, let alone think, let alone pick up on drawn out clues to his er… signs of affection.

Maybe I didn’t look as cold as I felt, but if he had said there was a warm room for me within 2 seconds of where we were standing… I would have hands down picked warmth over anything. I mean, ANYTHING. so cold.

But speed of action is not this guys forte, so I couldn’t for a second take the chance on waiting. I was going HOME and FAST.

As soon as we walked to a corner, I turned around and proclaimed that there’s a heater blasting in my flat and I must GO. There was a slight pause… it was as if the world had suddenly stopped spinning for a minute, it really could have.. i’m telling you, it was that cold…!  I stepped down from the side walk onto the street, looked up and then something rather interesting happened… Baldie with his most adorable sweet eyes peaking from behind his bushy eyebrows and sporty looking beanie, dropped a slow gaze into my eyes, wobbled forward slowly and placed his forehead on mine. It was the most sweet and strange thing I’ve ever experienced… so much so that without even thinking about it, I turned slightly and pressed my lips against his warm cheek. For what it’s worth, the moment seemed to last a life time… for maybe a brief second I wasn’t cold anymore. But as soon as my brain caught up with the storyline, my lips did a sudden 180 in the other direction and I abruptly lifted my forehead from his.

I’m not sure which I was more confused by… his continual inaction, or my even more bazaar re-action. Since when do I got around pressing my lips against cheeks of men that don’t even have the balls to kiss me first? And if I’m going to be the one leading this charade, surly it has never involve closed eyes and anything you could call sweet. That’s not my AMMO!

We kissed once more before I parted after-which I darted home as fast as my feet would take me… wondering, am i running because I’m freezing or because I’m running. And, am I uninterested because I’m freezing or am uninterested. And, will I actually study tomorrow like I told him I would…

…and there He stood

December 19, 2010 § 7 Comments

…sometimes in a single moment spent under the glow of a downtown street lamp, surrounded by the soft shimmer of falling snowflakes and the strange sensation of an awakened heart, you find yourself at the doorstep of a new beginning – knowing full well of course, that it is also the end – and still feeling like somehow, this very moment in time will follow you home and will most certainly in the distant future remind you of yet another fork in the road, another moment lived, another lesson learned

it was a day full of highs and lows. The first 30 hours of it spent sleeping off a migraine, skipping the exam – then whimpering to my parents over the phone about life, then getting dressed for hours trying to make myself feel better … taking my mom’s advice to value each moment and rejoice. .. surely my new gray dress with boots will do the trick, i thought.

I hopped on a tram headed for the historic center, met up with our MMA group for our final end of semester dinner – still somewhat guilty from not having been there during the morning exam, they all got wine and I ordered coffee. Professor looked at me with amusement, I half smiled in a sort of sleepy daze, tacitly, hoping to say ‘I’m sorry for being tired and stressed’ … from across the table.

‘I just woke up’ I said… ‘I could use some coffee’.

He chuckled, bobbing his head with a warm nod… giving me permission it seemed, to enjoy the evening.

Somehow, while my excuse for not taking the last exam was in fact legit and if nothing else, a good strategy at play to buy more time, not participating in yet another educational form of execution, couldn’t help but make me feel down and out … of our group, an excommunication of sorts. of course, all in my head…

The coffee helped and dinner was so so… la di da… a table full of drained individuals and with it the gentle hum of tired conversation. Then the professor left and we headed to the local jenever bar.

Jenever is a special Belgian drink… a liquor that ranges from 20-40 degrees per shot of yummy fruit or chocolate or mint or chili tasting goodness that is as easy to down or sip as apple juice but has the distinct advantage of promptly breathing life into a party. I limited my intake to two (Almond and Banana)… others went at it as usual, 23 year old style 🙂

We didn’t spend more than an hour or two at the bar, mostly just waiting for other people to get there and for energy levels to pick up before heading down to the club. And this is pretty much where our story begins…

M as you know is a great finagler… I think I mentioned before instances when this very talent had resulted in some extraordinary evenings (on a side note, she can also be very shy at times… which hello,  our birthdays are like 2 days apart and i swear sometimes we are eerily similar in that way… but luckily, when she’s feeling shy I whip out my own talents and when I wimp out, she emerges with hers. That evening came as no exception… ).

Weeks before arranging for the event, M got the crazy idea in her head that somehow we needed to rope into our little party as many of the staff and faculty people as we could get… in particular though, she was only really interested in One. And to make a long story short, he emerged… an hour or so into our Jenever adventure. I could tell she needed a reason to plant herself in front of him and so I joined in her adventure as a wing-man – we marched together across the bar and approached our TA (lets call him P) for a gentle schmooze.  Blaah blaah and a whole other bar later, way across town while P, M and the gang and I were all hanging out, He arrived…

I might have noticed him in passing, here and there before… but it wasn’t as if he were seriously on my mind. like a scene in a play, the whole story unraveled rather clumsily… without real purpose, based as much on the need to live, as the need to dare… and fueled as much by a sense of life, as despair and … coffee as much as jenever.  K bought me a glass of liquid courage and now there was no turning back… surly I am not a coward I thought, and will prove this to myself in 3, 2 , 1…

I marched across the dance floor to find him perched on a bar stool alone. I knew already of his lover at home, my ungraded exam on his desk and his scheduled flight abroad… P arranged for this out of amusement, M and I had made a joke of this long before, K sat down to watch out of boredom and I… I was on a mission to stop being shy. (permanently i think, as I actually don’t remember the last time I’ve been shy… and still somehow inside me that’s how I feel, always daring myself for my next bold move).

‘So, rumor has it you’re off to the United States… ‘ I opened ‘Whereabouts…?’

He was reserved and calm… ‘Did you ever find a tutor?’ he asked…  (Wow, he actually knows who I am I thought… strange). ‘I got some help from my classmates’ I mumbled…  a few minutes later, I got over my shyness and checked off… ‘mission accomplished’ in my mind…

But as I retreated back onto the dance floor, somehow the audience which arranged for all this was not satisfied with my performance… P insisted on this being the perfect night, J rationalized the intricate science of overdue relationships and O and I scoured for fresh meat of which there was none. I guess one dance wouldn’t hurt I thought…  This must have been around 2AM, which coincidentally was the last time I looked at my watch… and having watched How I Met Your Mother the day before where they explicitly said – NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER 2 AM. GO HOME. ... perhaps I should have listened. Or not.

I found myself in his arms the way I haven’t been in arms for a long time…  he spun and twirled in such a way, the entire dance floor emptied, making room for just the two of us… this stranger – i should know better not to touch, and me – his lowly pupil. The next few hours are a daze of start and stops… words of guilt mumbled through the nights progression and soft inexplicable whispers clouding… everything. Our dance, like a movie unraveling was thoroughly watched by all…. they stood in a great big circle pondering our indiscretion which would only last until a point and then end. Yet somehow would find its way back to the very beginning… coat off again, for the 10th time, sweater somewhere on the floor, purse god knows where…

…all very innocent of course, if innocence is in the way you move to prove that this touch, this brushing of our necks, this soft caress, your hands , your breath – mean nothing…  and these eyes that stare into my soul… are just eyes… and lips that dare not kiss are merely lips… or dare they?

When I finally buttoned my coat for the very last time it was 5:30AM and K and M nowhere to be found. Like Cinderella whose clock had suddenly struck midnight, I scurried out of the place with little more than a good bye and proceeded to hurry back… As I circled, disoriented, street after street trying find my way home, I heard my name… and in the distance he stood.

‘What are you doing here?’ I asked…

‘Not following you…’

‘Good… ‘

The snow had by now covered the top of his wavy locks and a few flakes had made it onto his upper lip.

‘How will I find you’ He muttered under his breath

‘Around, I suppose’ I replied

We stood together on that corner, as if both taking in a great big life lesson… undoubtedly, our mind preoccupied with our separate worlds. He – headed West of that corner, down some cobbled street leading to a home he shares with her… ‘She is there waiting for me’ he says… ‘I think…’ And I understand. A part of me feels his pain… memories of me come flashing back. For you see, all too well – I know this story. I know its beginning and I know its end. I’ve been the one waiting before and surly, I’ve been the one on the way home too… and now I guess I’ve even been the one going nowhere…  headed South, alone in the snow, in a beautiful foreign city, with my Parisian umbrella and snowflakes dancing all around. Far from that corner, far from watching that mistake again, far from taking the wrong way… Far from those feelings of guilt and love and pain… yet far from myself. But somehow when I awoke the next morning, I awoke with my heart on my sleeve,  and to my surprise …more alive.

…because, sometimes in a single moment spent under the glow of a downtown street lamp, surrounded by the soft shimmer of falling snowflakes and the strange sensation of an awakened heart, you find yourself at the doorstep of a new beginning – knowing full well that it is also the end – and still feeling like somehow, this very moment in time will follow you home and will most certainly in the distant future remind you of yet another fork in the road – that time you chose to keep at it alone,  crossing no lines that can’t be uncrossed…. just another moment lived, and another lesson learned…

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