February 27, 2011 § Leave a comment
There have been so many life developments, both good and bad, over the past few weeks that I can’t even begin to catch you up on everything …but I don’t want this blog to fall by the waist-side either, so forgive me if I whizz-through this storyline…
Somehow… between an amazing trip to Latvia with one of my russian girlfriends ….a great trip to Amsterdam to FINALLY see some family …..my parents’ visit to Gent ….my uber – i can’t even begin to describe to you level of – disappointment I felt after failing one of my tests ….and the crazy roller-coaster of long-forgotten emotions (that tend to come along with dear aunt flow – who has now, thank god, visited me twice after her 15 month hiatus) ….I have found myself a recipient of a flower delivery – a lovely orchid ….and shortly after the… what’s the word, unbearable…? sentence of quasi established relations …the future of which is… unclear, at best. ….and the oh-so terrifying title of being someones … er, girlfriend.
Don’t get me wrong either, as I am not completely not thrilled, but I must admit I feel utterly unprepared for it. Which, of course simply means there’ll be a ton to write about… stay tuned!
Like why on earth am I freaking out? Do I even want it? Do I not want it? Seriously, what is my deal.
My head, as if I don’t already let it dictate 99.9% of all my decisions… tells me it’s not a good idea. Not really a good time for it. And probably not even the right person… and certainly not in the right country!
But that other thing they call the heart…, is more confused than ever … and that incessant tic-tocking of my biological clock says… you’re a bit too old to be waiting for something, aren’t you?
… and that constant need of mine to explore, is just happy to have a travel buddy.
Honestly though, there’s a part of me that’s just kind of tired of holding myself back… so I’m egging myself on to get a few toes wet… and maybe just plunge in… or not.
Still, I look back at at his predecessors, both those that were and weren’t… and wonder.
…what to glean from our histories… what to change going forward ...and where did it all go wrong.
January 14, 2011 § Leave a comment
If you’ve been keeping up with my blog at all, you might have noticed a pattern in my last years wants… somehow I had found myself in a strange, unknown to me world of utter independence and somewhat of an emotionless existence. Maybe in fact this was due to the disappearance of my long lost friend who is finally back, or simply a path of self preservation… But what is blatantly clear now, is that
a) you should really be careful about what you wish for and
b) i might have gotten really good at being on my own (finally), but this does not indeed mean that I’ve learned anything about being with others.
I think you could say, I am a strong believer in balance too – but just cause I believe in it doesn’t mean I’m any good at it.
The biggest issue I’ve had in my relationships so far is finding a good balance between being independent and enjoying a co-dependent existence. When you’re young I think, relationships come much easier. Because, lets face it, you don’t quite know who you are yet so the idea of balance between anything is pure nonsense… Identifying is what you’re doing at that point and what could be more fun than Identifying yourself with someone else, and even more importantly with the feelings you have for them. Once you actually know a bit about yourself and what you’re attempting to do in life, balancing that with stumbling into a new person you might like is actually quite difficult… ok, so enough code. Here’s the update:
There are moments here and there where I really like him. Like he’ll say something or do something and I am putty…. And then others, when if I could just get up and walk away at that exact moment when it just hits me (This is NOT for you!) , I would. But then of course, another hour passes and whatever it is that seemed so definite before, becomes a bit muddy again… and so it goes, the beginnings of that thing I’ve so diligently been avoiding, up until now. …Ah, I kinda remember this.
Still, I really want things to be black and white and will try to make a more coherent decision about our future relations in the next few days, …week…s… TOPS.
Ok, the truth is I sort of kind of already tried to break things off… but like I said, I’m terrible at it. And in fact, when a guy knows how to show their true colors when they’re being told they’re not really liked as much as they thought they were… all of a sudden, I melt… and become ones of those really lame people that can’t make up their minds. ‘… yeah, i guess you could still stay…’
Sometimes I think I do it in hopes of the other person getting fed up and pulling the trigger… then at least I get to feel all sensitive and hurt and not at all to blame. This brings us to yet another new years resolution to add to the list… Become more decisive. Doesn’t matter what you choose. just fuckn CHOOSE. (but actually this probably goes ENTIRELY against what it means to develop a relationship and feelings for someone over time… so, maybe I need to work on the idea that any sort of choice is involved… are we going with our head or our heart here, dear? …damn it).
No matter how much I want to fight it, I am petrified of another few years of my life being devote to someone… someone else other than me, that is.
In talking with others, I’ve been reminded of the difference between someone who has spent their entire life looking for a serious relationship and someone like me who keeps getting burned by them. Somehow getting involved with someone even on the most superficial level carries with it a sort of warped assumption on my part that they’re here to stay (Only warped of course, in so much that for most people that in fact IS the goal… not so much for me … i seem to be under the strange misconception that a successful relationship is that which is fun, easy, short and temporary…um, where on earth did I get that notion?!). Maybe it’s my inexperience with break ups… historically, I’ve been crap at them and I can’t even remember the last time I was actually dumped. Honestly, you’d have to be pretty emotionally open to be blindsided by that kind of news and… I’m just not that kind of girl. There’s probably something wrong with that too…
But anyway, what’s proving to be awesomely true about Belgium is that it’s literally presented me, one after another, with all of my so-called life issues – finally, giving me a chance to come to terms with them all. The russian thing for example has been amazing… I have never felt more culturally healthy and at ease with who I am – as I’ve learned to be here – I couldn’t be more thankful for the opportunty to come to terms with that baggage… I am literally in love with my new found appreciate for my cultural background, for my ability to speak another language, for my appreciation of many worlds… for my Russianess and my Americaness. How lucky that I am both and neither, at the same time. And it only took 4 months and 10 days…
Perhaps now, Belgium will teach me more about relationships… how to love… or how not to love… to selfishly break up or or get hurt to bits. In the next year or so, how lovely would it be to wake up one day and actually be ready for the One.
But before that can happen, I might have to grow up a little…
For now, I don’t mind stumbling into love , but when it comes to the One, I’d like to actually go out and find him. A sincere apology to anyone I happen to come across until then… (of course, the devils advocate in me screams, that’s your problem right there!!! 🙂 )
January 4, 2011 § 1 Comment
*Note: I’ve never been one to keep a journal, although I’ve always wanted to… many many times throughout my life I had made the effort to start, but was never really able to keep it going. Lately it seems that my post have been more sparse, but what I’ve found is that somehow while living in this ‘far from myself’ world, so to speak, there’s been nothing more helpful than writing things down. Sometimes, I even go back and re-read my gibberish, just to mentally keep track of my own evolution. The purpose of this post I think will be to find some sort of answer, record some of my thought process… ask better questions and ultimately keep the storyline going. Because, lets face it, what fun would it be to read a novel without the good parts. Family, please proceed with caution… 🙂
As you’ve probably gathered before, my whole life, it would seem, I’ve been running from something… from being American, from being Russian, or just simply being … running towards being loved, away from being loved, …sprinting across continents, hobbies, devotions, careers … running in place, running from standing still and finally running from running. Very few times in my life it would seem I have been able to stay steady and grounded and truly appreciate it for what it is… and the times I do recall of such contempt… are ironically fleeting.
This time, it was 4AM and I found myself running for the door… and another new years resolution was born. stop running.
If I have to start from the beginning, I’ll have to start with his chin… there’s something so sculpturesque about it, that literally no chin could compare. Not even one that came straight out of the mold of a wax museum. It’s rough edges – so masculine in their shape… and a divot that separates his lower lip in half, that seduces …wildly. ….and the coarse stubble that accents his jaw line with a dark shadow, leaves me …raw.
His eyes need only glance to render me powerless – a translucent sort of ice colored glare, somewhat cold and distant in reality, but stunningly piercing… yet there is a sweetness behind them that pleads with kindness… like they belong to a warm soul that… if only you had a key for… and the bald thing it turns out is really of no consequence at all. … and if anything may be god’s gift to women for easily identifying masculinity at its best. The rest of course will still have to be figured out via trial and error, like the rest of the world.
There’s a ton already I don’t like and a ton more I do… there are ways in which he seems perfect and many in which he is blatantly not. But like the crazy fool that I am, I have slammed the breaks on this less than week-long ride more times than even makes any kind of logical sense and have managed to flee from the scene down darkened alleys just a few hours short of dawn more than I care to admit… anything it would seem to avoid god forbid stumbling into my own feelings …or ‘gasp’ …something real.
The one time I made the mistake of letting him sleep at my place, I was wide awake all night. My brain I think really needed to think of the world according to yesteryear and was in no way ready to handle awakening in someones arms. I was seconds away from escaping out my own window. True story.
Next I slammed on even more breaks and said we’d play it by ear… then i ran for the door again. Today I stayed home for fear of finding more things to run from. I really needed the time to think…
…am I fearful of coming or going… giving or taking… loving or leaving… or being left…
by the end of the day, few answers came to me. Until that is I spoke to wise Oxi who pointed out a wonderful thing about the difference between her and I.
‘I’, she says, ‘am too egotistical when it comes to love… I love for me, so when it stops being for me it becomes time to stop loving.’
‘You’, she says, ‘might not have to fear loving as much if you just keep track of the benefit it brings you and bail only when it brings none’
Somehow, I liked the idea of not needing breaks, if you always have the option of stopping this freight train… What a novel idea!… I think sometimes I forget that there’s no lease attached to my trysts… no bills to split upon parting, no cats to share, furniture to sort, rings to give away and always a place to call my own. I really don’t need to slam on all these breaks if there’s always an actual stop sign in sight.
Somehow I found this thought empowering… I picked up the phone and for the first time this week made an actual effort… ‘hi cutie 🙂 just txting to say sweet dreams’.
…and there you go, I’m in Europe and I’ve stumbled on a lil tryst.
December 29, 2010 § Leave a comment
With only a slight nudge, the door flew wide open and a below freezing gust of wind hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. In only a matter of a few hours, the air had turned ice cold and the light brisk walk it took to get there, suddenly felt very far. I looked over at my new friend and wondered for a second how this night will end. Within minutes I couldn’t feel my feet, the tip of my nose was long gone and my fingers were slowly curling inward. We walked hurriedly along deserted streets, barely saying a word. I wanted to keep up the conversation but my brain was completely frozen and my lips iced over shut. ‘Good god, I’m cold!’ I finally stuttered. ‘Me too’ he says, warming his hands together.
… ‘you know, you’re a little bit useless’ I thought… even in SF I would have been offered a jacket or warm pocket or something ….and it’s not even a matter of life and death there… !
The truth is, beforehand, we had spent another 5+ hours together, walking, dinnering, bar hopping, talking… he even asked to go in for a McD’s snack on the way home. We covered every topic in the book… especially the ones they say not to ever talk about… and still the closest to a sign of interest was a the nervous flickering of a coin that eventually rolled its way onto my side of the table.
And so we began our walk back.
He wasn’t much for conversation either, although must have been less cold as he proceeded to take the long way back and show me a good laundry mat for my future use. It is only now that it’s somehow dawned on me that in fact it might have been to place us right into the lap of his front door, but I was so cold I could barely breathe, let alone think, let alone pick up on drawn out clues to his er… signs of affection.
Maybe I didn’t look as cold as I felt, but if he had said there was a warm room for me within 2 seconds of where we were standing… I would have hands down picked warmth over anything. I mean, ANYTHING. so cold.
But speed of action is not this guys forte, so I couldn’t for a second take the chance on waiting. I was going HOME and FAST.
As soon as we walked to a corner, I turned around and proclaimed that there’s a heater blasting in my flat and I must GO. There was a slight pause… it was as if the world had suddenly stopped spinning for a minute, it really could have.. i’m telling you, it was that cold…! I stepped down from the side walk onto the street, looked up and then something rather interesting happened… Baldie with his most adorable sweet eyes peaking from behind his bushy eyebrows and sporty looking beanie, dropped a slow gaze into my eyes, wobbled forward slowly and placed his forehead on mine. It was the most sweet and strange thing I’ve ever experienced… so much so that without even thinking about it, I turned slightly and pressed my lips against his warm cheek. For what it’s worth, the moment seemed to last a life time… for maybe a brief second I wasn’t cold anymore. But as soon as my brain caught up with the storyline, my lips did a sudden 180 in the other direction and I abruptly lifted my forehead from his.
I’m not sure which I was more confused by… his continual inaction, or my even more bazaar re-action. Since when do I got around pressing my lips against cheeks of men that don’t even have the balls to kiss me first? And if I’m going to be the one leading this charade, surly it has never involve closed eyes and anything you could call sweet. That’s not my AMMO!
We kissed once more before I parted after-which I darted home as fast as my feet would take me… wondering, am i running because I’m freezing or because I’m running. And, am I uninterested because I’m freezing or am uninterested. And, will I actually study tomorrow like I told him I would…
November 20, 2010 § 4 Comments
I woke up this afternoon with one thought in my head, and one thought only… that I am much too old to live a lifestyle that forces me to wake up in the afternoon. The very next thought had something to do probably with gallons of water and possibly the compulsion to draw all blinds and lay in bed, indefinitely. Today will have to be a wash, I thought. Surely I will need to wait an entire 24 hours until tomorrow to function again like a normal human being. Close call, but luckily, no.
A few days ago, I made the mistake of not leaving my place for a whole day and since then have vowed to myself to never have one of those days again… not even, when my head is throbbing, and my skin – well, at least still in tact.
I immediately forced myself to shower and pretended to go on with the day as if I was… FiiiiNE. Hoping against all hope that somehow I will eventually trick my brain into feeling so.
Of course, I am over-dramatizing a little. Last night was no Y2o00, Julyo9 or even the following Halloween – memory capacity, fortunately or unfortunately, clearly functioning, and no vomit, bathroom or other similar malfunctions to site. Really, I didn’t even drink that much – but alas, with my growing adulthood I have unwillingly began to chart the downward slope of drinking capacity-meet-age.
Yes, it’s true – I can no longer drink like a fish. And I don’t know how they do it here… stay up past their bed time every other day it seems. But I didn’t get home until after 5 am and around these parts that’s called a cop-out. Like a party, that fizzled too soon. Goodness gracious, my tolerance level is either going to soar to amazing proportions by the time I get back, or really start taking a toll on my health. Keep reading my blog to find out which.
Anyway, the truth is, it was actually a very good time with a few interesting lessons to site.
When I peeled myself off the chair, promptly after posting my last entry, I headed straight for the door and left my apartment as soon as I could – just in case. I didn’t actually have a plan about where I was going… I knew I was meeting my friend and stand-in boy (stand-in vs. the real crush, who couldn’t actually come because he had stayed up until 7 am the night before… – not mine, hers btw), but wasn’t sure what time they’d be back from Antwerp and in general had very vague sense of what it is we were doing. The last thing I wanted was to be some sort wing man – third wheel deal… I only do that for special friends 🙂 So I walked down town, called her a couple of times and realized that I probably won’t be hearing from them for a while. What to do now, I thought. I guess I’ll just go get a beer. So, I found a local bar I’d been meaning to check out and went in.
Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever gone to a bar alone, but unless there is a guarantee of somewhere to sit and a good vibe inside, it can be a pretty nerve wracking 10 seconds. Luckily, the moment I walked in I spotted an empty chair at the bar and plopped myself down. Not even a second later, all of a sudden, finding myself hit on by guy#1, one stool to the right.
Within 10 minutes, I somehow had his number in my phone, within 5 minutes of that I was totally bored and within 5 minutes more getting extra annoyed at the fact that Maria was still not there. Until that is, I decided to spice things a little by bringing Guy#2 into our boring conversation who just happened to be Guy#1’s friend… and more so, turned out to be a lot less boring. So, the next 30 minutes or so after that, were spent playing these two off each other like ping pong – ok, so it wasn’t the most lady like thing I could have done, but at least I was entertained. When Maria finally showed up, I could tell she was very worried that I had been waiting for much too long… and very confused as to how I managed to find something to do. At the end of it all, we both decided that this in fact was the best dating strategy there is. The bar is 75/25 packed with men and well, you could probably just walk in.. take a good look around and join whatever nerd you find interesting.
Maria took it a step further, and all of sudden we were all the same table. You know, her and I and 3 random men. Then our other friend and her new beau met us at the bar and we all headed to some fancy club. Where there were a few other guys to meet our temporary needs.
Guy#1: I swear I already dated a version of this guy. In fact, after a few drinks – I was having one of those very weird moments where I literally thought I might be sitting in front my old guy. But, to the credit of the one I actually dated, along with a little self justification – he was a lot more interesting and cuter and well… just better and less gay sounding. So, you can only imagine, if even much better didn’t work…. there was no hope here. On top of which he was 40. Which, ok- it’s true, i’m totally ageist and well 36 is where I draw the line (please please don’t let me prove myself wrong). What was also weird is that he thought I was 23-25.. which of course I realize guys are programmed to lie about, but considering we all had a very extensive age conversation during our little tete-a-tete, they really did seem to think we were younger. For some reason when guy#1 said this, I wasn’t flattered at all (though when guy#2 did… I might have been a little 🙂 )… mostly just creeped out by the fact that he invited a 25 year old to a share a weekend with him in Spain… next JULY, at a friend’s apartment… where you pay per bed. But to give me a tiny bit of credit, he was an interior designer/sculptor… like with bronze and stuff, so ok – kinda cool except for the part there where I had to listen to a 10 minute monologue about staircase pricing. TRUE story.
Guy#2: This guy, if you had asked me about him just based on looks, would have never even made my radar, but this of course just goes to show how unreliable my radar is. Ok, I’m totally going to hell for saying this, but he was bald – i mean like… TOTALLY bald… and well, I haven’t yet ventured into that world. Ok, they’re bald now, but they weren’t when we were dating! 🙂 The thing about bald men I think that freaks me out, is just getting past that elephant in the room. I’m weird about this stuff anyway, I remember thinking an ex of mine had dentures because he had perfect teeth and was a bit older than me. Once I was able to talk about my fear for his perfect teeth, we were all good. My fear with bald people – i mean, once it’s clear that they don’t have any kind of weird misshapen head – is that they have cancer. I know, it’s terrible… but how can you be sure and when is it ok to ask? I mean if they’re just bald, but cute then whatever… but it’s my inexperience with baldness that is making hesitant in taking the plunge. Other than that, I thought he was funny and interesting and in some ways, as history so eloquently reminds me, someone I should totally stay away from. At first of course, it would have been shameless to flirt with him right in front of Guy#1 – but luckily, a few drinks in and shame becomes irrelevant. And, I wasn’t even really sure if he was flirting back, until we were suddenly leaving and he frantically punched his digits into my slutty phone. Right in front of his friend too – nice. I waved them both adieu and left them sitting across from each other at the bar.
Guy#2 was 30 and is still a maybe…
Guy#3: is not really of any interest, other than he was spanish/belgian and actually like 10 times cuter than both of the other two put together… but I got bored with him after a while. I should say though that it was the first time I had been waltzed and spun at a club and had this weird awesome – i’m dancing with a foreigner – feeling. PLUS he smelled really good… like fresh laundry. Which also made me feel guilty for not having done my laundry in so long. Either way he deserves a mention.
Guy#4: was his friend. He was a much better rap dancer. We spent quite a bit of time lip sinking terrible rap music and loving it… But, by this point I thought I’d give my phone a rest and just enjoy the dance.
Anyway, I left the night feeling somewhat back in the game at least. This was good news, I was starting to feel hopelessly unromantic. I am however perplexed at whether or not guy#2 deserves a ring… Either way, it won’t be for a couple of days and I still have to figure out how I feel about this bald thing. Maybe he’s not even bald, just clean shaven… 🙂 We’ll see…
October 23, 2010 § 5 Comments
There’s nothing more anticlimactic than a mediocre date… no pun intended. Kinda depressing really. The thing is, it actually wasn’t a bad time at all… but not really spectacular either, which turns out to be worse than either alternative.
I mean, honestly, if it was terrible or more like the last one with Tars – I would at least have more to write about and possibly new life lessons to share…. If it was terrific, well then I suppose I wouldn’t be coming home to write this…. … lets face it, I wouldn’t be home at all right now, or even better, …home, but…
So I guess lets discuss… First of all, when things go like THIS… which, more often than not, they go EXACTLY like this… I can’t help but always come away with this feeling that love is eternally doomed. Because, lets face it, when someone is PERFECT on PAPER… they are indeed only prefect on paper…. And when they are prefect in person… well, then they are crap on paper. And if you’re me… you end up
a) being attracted to complete idiots…
or b) acting like a complete idiot around those you’re attracted to – so much so, it would surprise the hell out of them if they ever found out otherwise,
or c) looking for someone who’s good on paper and realizing why you never meet these people in real life… they don’t exist.
although, lets face it, it’s probably all of the above.
The problem with ‘good on paper’ people is that i end up looking for people who are just like me… and sometimes, like here for example, they are even BETTER than me… but predictable and boring. Even when in reality… they shouldn’t be boring at all!
Take today’s mystery guy for example, he is pretty much the perfect guy…. or he would be, if he were… let me explain in list form:
- He is prefect.
- He’s been everywhere.
- He lives abroad.
- He’s a sensible risk taker.
- He has built houses for habitat for humanity in Alaska, New Zealand and Colorado.
- He’s a lawyer.
- He’s sold vacuum cleaners door to door.
- He went to boarding school.
- He’s American.
- He’s a TCK
- He’s driven around Bosnia.
- He’s been to Cuba.
- He’s smart enough to ask the important questions.
- He has the same taste in music and tv.
- He has a pretty amazing sense of humor.
- He called walnuts the greatest non-cheese-based food on Earth.
I could go on, but I think you get the idea… if I were to look for Guy-Ideal, he would be THAT.
Honestly, other than his terrible genes (apparently there’s quite a bit of death in his family) and short height, I would say there just isn’t much wrong with this guy…. EXCEPT of course, the fact that none of that apparently matters when it comes to those illusive feelings of … er, love.
And the chemistry was just not there, at least not on any romantic level… maybe he just wasn’t feeling it or maybe I wasn’t, …honestly I’m way too indecisive to make up my mind about things like that, that quickly, but… whatever it was, it kinda wasn’t. And, a 3 hour conversation later… it just kinda died… or at least, i think it did. It also probably wasn’t a good idea to walk around town for two hours… by the end of it, I was getting tired of keeping my balance on cobblestones and just wanted sit the eff down.
On top of which, I made the terrible mistake of saying ‘Good Luck’ at the end… I don’t even know why, or how that came out… It reminded me of that Brian Regan skit….
“Take… luck! Take luck and care. Take… care of the luck! Good luck taking care of the, the luck that you might have, if you have luck, take it, and care for it. Take-luck-care-of-in-it — when you take all care of AAARRGGG!”
One thing though, seems to remain true. I am in desperate need of new dating strategies and possibly some coaching. Honestly, I am probably the hardest person to get to know/read and/or date… I wouldn’t wish me on anyone.
Anyway, maybe next time I just need to look for the exact opposite… someone who is just as dull as can be on paper, maybe then there’s at least an element of surpirse. Where as here, it’s just too bad that paper is only pages deep and there’s much too much room for disappointment.
Also, this morning I officially found my first gray hair. And when I met him at the library, I thought to myself – yup, it’s finally happened… I’m getting so old, that even when I date people my exact age, they look old to me, and undoubtedly, I to them. crap.
… anyway, I guess what I didn’t care for was a sort of reserved dullness that I couldn’t help but feel from him. To which, my friend Rachel would say…’ pppshhh. he’s a grown up! ‘