SELECT Rozijnen notenbrood FROM Memory WHERE Me ^= ‘Control’;

October 28, 2010 § 1 Comment

Good lord, today was so much better than yesterday. And judging from my last post, the day before that as well. The thing is, it’s coming down to crunch time. We have our first 5 hour test next Thursday, then another one On Tuesday and so it goes… By December 17th, we will have had 7 tests and 2 reports and one presentation… yes, each 4-5 hours long, covering material that’s barely explained in class and spans books upon books of information, which is but the very first step in figuring out things in practice. Basicially, time is of the essance. And, is sparse.

Yesterday, it became so clear to a few of us on how poorly we’re doing, that we locked ourselves up in our private computer lab for 8 hours straight…

… subquery here… (yes, did I mention this before… our MMA group has two rooms that are JUST ours AND we got keys to the entire building so we can hang out there on weekends. WOOHOO.) ,

…..just trying to work out… oh, (some of us got farther than others) but the average was about 7 problems. So, that’s like a little over an hour on each. Good luck to us next Thursday.

I left the lab in the dark, having not eaten since early lunch time and my head in a least desirable condition. I literally couldn’t see straight. And it shouldn’t come as any surprise then, that all I dreamt about was Unions, Joins, Correlated Sub-queries and Common Table expressions…  I was starting to feel like I hadn’t been outside for days.

This morning however, I woke up with a little brighter leash on life. My head still hurt, but my mornings are my favorite time of the day – it’s the only time that I have and make sure to allow myself to worry about NOTHING. I just wake up, take a shower, get ready, east something, make some coffee and bounce about my morning stroll like the day is full of possability… I really feel like it is, until the very second I arrive to class. Then, all bets are off.

A total side note here, I was running late the other day and didn’t have time to make coffee so I innocently ordered a cup of cafe latte on my way to school from a totally cute little coffee car that’s always parked by the library. AND…  what do you know, with the coffee they serve a freshly baked Almond bread cake thing that is just to-die for. WHY OH WHY must I know this! Now I ‘ll have to look away every time I pass… or force myself to make coffee at home. *sigh*. Honestly, every time I discover a new food around here, it lodges itself onto my brain and I literally can’t undo the damage until something even more awesome comes along. Last week I discovered hazlenut -rasin bread that will just be the death of me…

ANYWAY, my brain’s not really working right now.. where was I. Yes… today I let myself walk around a bit, finally took care of some bank errands, went to my most favoritst world store… ever… and listend to some amazing music there… it was just the few minutes that I was wating for the bank to open, but it made such a difference… i just felt alive again. Then I undressed for my kinesthetist, walked WAY out of my way to get MORE hazlenut-raisin brood.. (and AMAZING pumpkin soup), then parked myself in front of SQL for another 6 hours… this time better. I think it’s finally coming together – honestly, if I wasn’t so worried about the fact that the directions are never written in english and make absolutely no logical sense, I would say that it’s starting to look like I might just have a chance with it… Lets hope this isn’t just the raisin bread talking.

Anyway, I’m deathly tired, so I’ll need to go now…

This was mostly because Ann reminded me to keep with it… 🙂 The next one will be much more interesting though, I promise…  i’ll make it juic-E.



Song of the tired heart…

October 25, 2010 § 3 Comments

Tonight i have this urge to exercise my right to words – and purge. … these toxins of stress and fear and … momentary lapses in strength. This heartache it comes with.

Like tiny beads of sweat, collecting under the very surface of my tired brain… i have this urge to let it go. to make it be gone, once I’m done with this string of never, ending, sequences of words . You find there’s little meaning behind this aimless sputtering, you think perhaps it’s of no interest to you… Go, go on then. Don’t read inside me.

This merely, is a pathetic break –  a garbage dump of thoughts and feelings, recycled and reused in every way. Getting at the deep crevice of despair, that’s somewhere in the back there …where I can’t find it anymore and it can’t touch me, really.

…who has time for despair anyway?  This will have to do. This will have to feed this need for depth, and life and something of the feeling kind – the feelings I’ve lost now for some time.

The world today is flat – precisely coded to the nth degree, separated by semi-colons and commas – delimited to no end. The fear, I think, is logic rules from here on out…

But the heart, it wants to be free, it wants to roam and run and breathe – slowly. It’s saddened to see this golden path, paving its way in beauteous inlays, pockets jingling , light shimmering outside this big window, this jail where we’re all comfortably headed in our company car…

And the soul suffers, while the mind forges ahead and the body lives on… this physicality we’re in,  it’s here to stay for years and years to come, chipping  away at our youth, our elasticity – these days we wake to that last, alas perhaps too long, but not forever.

We rot a little each day, our bodies, our hearts, our minds, breaking along the way, swaying with the wind that blows us closer to our grave. The colors of the leaves turn, and so does our skin, our hair, our lips become less sweet, they find more tears among their creases and less strangers find their touch, if they should meet.

There isn’t much to see here, just a song of the tired heart… and the slight sadness with which one can’t help but disappoint our mother tongue. This tool we have with which to say… anything and everything, but when it counts most – nothing comes.

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