April 26, 2011 § Leave a Comment
It’s been a rather confusing few weeks, and I can’t even begin to take you through it all, but I will say this – life’s a trip. And, my friend Oxi is brilliant…
I complain to her all the time about life and… she listens, patiently… then she speaks the truth and without fail, it blows me away!
‘… it seems’ she says ‘like a question of heart and mind.’ ‘…I follow my heart if I love. If not, I follow my mind.’
February 27, 2011 § Leave a Comment
There have been so many life developments, both good and bad, over the past few weeks that I can’t even begin to catch you up on everything …but I don’t want this blog to fall by the waist-side either, so forgive me if I whizz-through this storyline…
Somehow… between an amazing trip to Latvia with one of my russian girlfriends ….a great trip to Amsterdam to FINALLY see some family …..my parents’ visit to Gent ….my uber – i can’t even begin to describe to you level of – disappointment I felt after failing one of my tests ….and the crazy roller-coaster of long-forgotten emotions (that tend to come along with dear aunt flow – who has now, thank god, visited me twice after her 15 month hiatus) ….I have found myself a recipient of a flower delivery – a lovely orchid ….and shortly after the… what’s the word, unbearable…? sentence of quasi established relations …the future of which is… unclear, at best. ….and the oh-so terrifying title of being someones … er, girlfriend.
Don’t get me wrong either, as I am not completely not thrilled, but I must admit I feel utterly unprepared for it. Which, of course simply means there’ll be a ton to write about… stay tuned!
Like why on earth am I freaking out? Do I even want it? Do I not want it? Seriously, what is my deal.
My head, as if I don’t already let it dictate 99.9% of all my decisions… tells me it’s not a good idea. Not really a good time for it. And probably not even the right person… and certainly not in the right country!
But that other thing they call the heart…, is more confused than ever … and that incessant tic-tocking of my biological clock says… you’re a bit too old to be waiting for something, aren’t you?
… and that constant need of mine to explore, is just happy to have a travel buddy.
Honestly though, there’s a part of me that’s just kind of tired of holding myself back… so I’m egging myself on to get a few toes wet… and maybe just plunge in… or not.
Still, I look back at at his predecessors, both those that were and weren’t… and wonder.
…what to glean from our histories… what to change going forward ...and where did it all go wrong.
February 16, 2011 § Leave a Comment
I’m terribly afraid of something, words cannot describe… lest there’s a feeling.
It overwhelms me all at once, like the tide ….and among the fury of its waves, I drown… somewhat hopelessly.
I feel its fight, to the core… using every bit of strength I have…
I find a million different flaws to halt me and a million and one reasons more…
And amidst moments of some unknown to me emotion …of utter weakness,
I curl up next to him …into nothing …and feel endlessly.
…and then awaken to gusts of cold wind that blow through me.
I think back to all the others I’ve pushed away. This same way.
I wonder if the lesson here is to fall…
or if the ability to escape, unscathed, deserves applause.
For in the end, this heart, while battered, is not a heart at all…
February 8, 2011 § 2 Comments
Tomorrow I’m off to Riga, but today my head is in the clouds.
The sun is shining amid a crisp morning - like I’ve never seen it shine before - and the smell of his cologne still lingers on my day old clothing…
I finally dragged myself out to a laundromat to force some semblance of productivity …and so I sit here among the subtle drone of my spin cycle… contemplating.
How on earth I got here… chemicals are a lovely thing, aren’t they?
Last night I felt myself melt a little…. a giggle too loud, a smile too wide… oh, how i love those eyes…
… i even got my chunks back… and the ground felt a little less real, and the future a little less clear… and life, a little less planned.
Who would have ever thought I’d find myself in the arms of a racists skinhead…. probably as far fetched as the time I fell for the catholic republican? …the untraveled, staunch scientist? or the pseudo-tryst with the extreme Muslim? I am a sucker for the different, aren’t i. …a tad far from my Kucinich kumbaya days… This one, tattooed, scarred and indiscretion-ed… and that I would travel half way across the world to fall for it.
Secretly though, I prepare myself for tomorrow to feel more like yesterday, but today, oddly, feels brand new.
February 7, 2011 § 6 Comments
… I finally glued myself off my chair and ventured into the city to try and walk off the antsy. I paced, and ate and shopped and toured for hours, to no avail. There was only one thing left to try that would help me unwind – one person that is whose existence drummed away at the top of my skull, rendering my ability to focus on anything else to NULL.
I fiddled with the cheap little black matchbox of a phone that I have… and hit send …
…it had been three days since a rather strange form of interrogation by my friend, lets call her Rory,
…eight or so days since I had stumbled onto his beautiful (albeit exceptionally drunk) eyes on my way home from the lab
….and a couple of weeks prior to the suppose end.
Baldie writes back and we find ourselves face to face, a few minutes later, discussing the improbable. What does it mean that I can’t look away from the rapt stare of his seductive eyes or my deep seated distrusts of any possible future between us… or the mere fact that we are back to the beginning, as if we don’t know how this cup of tea will end…
R’s grilling was harsh to say the least and aired everything out into the open. It probably deserves a whole separate post… ‘she says you have a tendency to mother’ he recalls… ‘ … i suppose good friends can be forgiven when they meddle’ we agreed … ‘yes, i suppose they should.’
Somehow having been charred to pieces by questions of intention and ability to care, love and the disection of each of our character flaws, had made it difficult to be anything but real from here on out… perhaps a little bedroom time would help, we reasoned. Perhaps. And somehow this breathed yet another life into this little dance of ours…
I didn’t get home to study until a couple days later in a panic… dear girl, forget everything that’s happened this past few days and STUDY, please – I begged myself.
How will I ever learn PL/SQL in 4 days, How?!
I chucked my phone under the couch for minimal distraction and proceeded – forcing anything unrelated to PL/SQL out of my brain… ending all contact sans the occasional txt hello.
Then came thursday morning.
My exam wasn’t until the afternoon, but I had awaken at 7 to get a head start on the final push. Fast forward an hour and a half later and chirp chirp goes my phone…
In fear of getting distracted, I waited a few minutes to see what it was… but getting a text at 8 am on a thursday morning seemed a tad unusual, … strange, really. …so I pulled myself away from my books for a second, flipped on my phone and read…
‘I almost died’
I read it again, just in case I misunderstood… maybe a joke i thought, an exaggeration, a misuse of the English language…
ok, i’ll bite… ‘why? what happened? is everything ok?’
I replied with a few more questions and show of concern, but secretly hoped it was nothing… at least nothing I could deal with at that moment. No reply ever came.
I studied hard, got dressed, ate… took my four hour exam, looked at my phone again at 5:30pm… still no reply.
‘Is everything ok?’ I wrote … still nothing
I called once… then again… then again… the repetitive nonsensical jibber jabber of his dutch voice mail message began to send me into a panic.
Where was he? What happened? Why did it take me this long to start to worry… ? Am I worried? …Do I have a right to be worried?
I called again.. it was 12 hours since the news had come in… still nothing.
Finally my phone rings. ‘Are you ok’? I pick up in a panic. ‘oh M, I don’t even know where to begin… yes and no, it would seem’
‘I was flying through the air, upside down at 85 miles an hour, right after I hit a car and cement wall… and all I could think was – this is going to hurt. The car flew over the freeway divider and skidded onto oncoming traffic… ‘
‘Are you ok… ‘ I mumbled softly
‘Do you believe in angels? …There was blood and glass and people everywhere… I unbuckled myself and I crawled out from under my mangled hood with but a scratch. What does it all mean… ? Tell me, how do I go on from here… ?’
….Would you have come to my funeral?
‘What can I do?’ I asked hesitantly, for fear of this being our new beginning. ‘Please come hold me.’
That night I held a man in tears, and he my heart… ?
January 28, 2011 § Leave a Comment
Sometimes this chair here, swallow me whole.
Glued to it, I find myself, in fidgety anticipation of.. whatever. A flash of productivity, perhaps… An epiphany maybe? A flicker of inspiration…?
I sit waiting… for something.
Waiting for books to start reading themselves to me out-loud… or fingers, to hammer out some code despite…
I flick the lights, on and off… then on again …then off. A temporary mood-fix switch.
I search endlessly for the perfect song to explain it all away. I take a shower… perhaps these scolding drizzles drip-dropping down will bring answers. None come. I dry myself off with a dirty towel, take a seat and wait some more…
I think back to past epiphanies.. How did I call to them before? How did they know to find me…?
I light a candle , I light two… Still nothing.
I change the song… I look down at my untouched books, then glance at the time. It’s getting late.
I haven’t moved for hours… nervously awaiting. A few things come, but none give purpose… none stop this flicking of the lights, and this incessant search for sound to drown, these thoughts of mine… I wait some more, then wonder what I’m waiting for…
I tell myself, before I lay my head tonight, I must first dream up something grand… to take this plight.
For love, it seems, is easily confused with fear ….and fear with love. And hats off to those that know the difference! …and when like tiny grains of sand they slip on through your fingers – you sit and wait for something else to come … i guess.
January 18, 2011 § 3 Comments
I sprawled out on top of her butcher paper covered table and spread my legs…
She examined my half naked body closely, slightly shaking her head with disappointment. I am no waxing virgin either, but I can’t say that I’ve ever had the luxury of being waxed into a whimpering howl. I clenched my teeth together as hard as I could, pleading with myself to ignore the pebbles of blood covering her sugar-wax strips and the slow after burn of my er.. vagina, if it’s still there. I focused on the conversation… …’now, are you sure you don’t want a diamond? … ‘that’s strange that a full wax is not common in California, I can’t imagine why?!‘ she says. I squint my eyes in an effort to participate in her bemusement… ‘surly it can’t be because you just ripped out my clitoris… nay?’
But really, the girl was so lovely… she was even lovelier from behind. The instructions were to crouch down onto my knees and hold my cheeks steady. I believe in that moment alone, I was re-born … European, no less. (I dunno who says they’re hairy… it just ain’t true) And after the pain subsided, alive... slightly thrilled. ….and I gotta say my partial bikini days are so over.
And Stephanie, the 23 year old waxpert, extraordinaire … who was just dumped by her 5 year long boyfriend and was on her way to look at a new apartment for her new life, …my new best friend! I told her, listen… (all the while thinking, girl, if you can do this… you can do anything!) same thing happened to me, and look… I’m in Belgium. hairless.